Dear CenturyLink...I'm Sending You The Bill For My Therapist & Hairdresser

"Ok, Whitney, we'll play--why are you going to send CenturyLink your bill for your therapist and hairdresser?" 

I appreciate you taking the time to ask. First of all, I don't really have a therapist, but after having to deal with this stupid company (CenturyLink) for the past week, I feel like I might need one. That, and now I'm sure I have a bunch of grey hair from having to deal with these stupid monkey buttheads. Let's start at the beginning, shall we? Mkay? Mkay.

I used to have Qwest. Do you remember good ol' Qwest? They used to have that big, tall building in downtown Denver with the huge Qwest sign that would light the way for all of the incoming airplanes to DIA? Yes, well they decided to pull a Snoop Dog move and switch their name to CenturyLink.

Who is CenturyLink? Hell if I know--they're just the alias company full of dingleberry monkey fluffers that I send hundreds of dollars every month in order to BUNDLE my internet with my DirecTV. For all I know they probably don't even exist--especially since my internet has been down, on-and-off now, for nearly two weeks. I should just send them a check every month via toilet and just flush the stupid money down the loo.

Yes, my internet went down a couple of weeks ago. It was working just fine when I went to bed one night, and I woke up with zero access to planet cyberspace (minus the fact that I have an iPhone--because of this fact I only went through minor internet withdrawals). I put in a call to CenturyLink, and was able to arrange for them to come out to my house to fix it. They did what any good cable company would do--gave me the awesome four-hour window in which they may or may not show up to fix it. The gal on the phone also told me that, "If it is a problem on the outside of your house, then it won't cost you anything. However, if our technician has to set one foot inside the house, then it will be charged to you."

Awesome.

The guy showed up on a day that I happened to be sleeping all day since I had to work that night. I asked them if they would please call before showing up so that I could at least tame the mane and put some clothes on before answering the door. I'm sure cable guys don't make that much money, but I'm positively sure they do not get paid enough to have to deal with seeing me rolling out of bed--it's a cross between Quasimodo, a Barbie Doll that got used as a hood ornament on a semi truck, and a Furby...totally puketastic.

Anyhow, the guy called me and told me his ETA was 10 minutes. I threw on some track pants and a tee shirt, and then went downstairs when the doorbell rang. Mr. CenturyLink was standing on my doorstep. He looked disturbed. I'm sure it had nothing to do with the cable situation, and everything to do with what he was forced to look at-- my hair that was going in 900 different directions, and the mutant/windblown-bug-splattered-Barbie/furball look that I was sporting. *SHIVER*

He told me that the problem was from the main power box that was located down the street from me. Sweet!--then I don't have to pay you, right? And I can take my bad self back to bed now, and you, Mr. CenturyLink, can go wash your eyeballs out with bleach, and look into that red light thingy that the Men In Black zap you with to erase my horrible picture from your memory. It's a win/win situation! Winner Winner Chicken Dinner! Wait--why are you still here?

 

Then Mr. CenturyLink asked me to double check that my modem was working. I said, "I don't know, but I will go check." Then I walked over to my modem, picked it up, and said, "How do I know if it's working?" I tell you what, they take that, "Mr. CenturyLink cannot set one foot into your house or you will get charged..." thing pretty seriously, because Mr. CenturyLink leaned his Go-Go Gadget neck as far over the threshold of my front door as he possibly could in an effort to see my modem without entering the forbidden den of QuasimodoFurbyBarbieGirl. It was tres impressive. He defied the laws of physics, and I'm sure he needed a realignment from his chiropractor after this. Even a brontosaurus would have been envious at his extreme efforts.

Long story short--the modem WAS working. YAY!!!!! Back to the land of the living! I have internet again! Thank you for coming, Mr. CenturyLink! Now peace out, homey! This chick needs to go back to bed!

**Back to bed I went...**

Did I just say I have internet again? Cuz now one week later, I DONT!!! It went down again.CURSE YOU, CENTURYLINK!!!!

Once again, I went to bed having internet, and woke up to find that I had received my virtual, spontaneous eviction notice from cyberspace for no apparent reason. I had already been in contact with the company last week because, not only had my internet gone down, but my last bill had shown a fairly large increase in my monthly internet fees, and that was after they had to fix my internet for going down the last time. I had called last week and tried to downgrade speeds from "warp speed" (bug hitting a windshield speed), to "spitball shot out of a straw speed", but they ensured me that I would certainly be missing out if I did this. In Whitney's World, it would be like going from shopping for jewelry at Tiffany & Co to having to shop WalMart. SO-- I ended up keeping things status quo, and was just thankful that I wouldn't have to deal with them again anytime soon (famous last words)...until of course my internet went down...AGAIN...one week later.

 

So I called up my buddies at CenturyLink again. I was put on hold. I love it when I get put on hold on my cell phone and I watch minutes upon minutes fly by as my wireless phone bill starts to increase. I'm not being serious. I actually hate this, and it makes me feel like a mental patient. And it wasn't even like they had one of those, "Your estimated wait time is_____" messages. Nope, I just sat there with them on speaker phone, listening to the same stupid CenturyLink commercial OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN about how awesome their high-speed Internet is. OBVIOUSLY! You can clearly see from looking here at Exhibit A (my computer with a worthless modem and absolutely ZERO internet) how frickin' fantastic CenturyLink's high-speed Internet is!!!

Perhaps I wasn't the best target audience for this CenturyLink high-speed internet promotional advertising. By the time I got done listening to it for the 495th time I was about ready to kick a puppy. (OK--I don't like dogs but I really wouldn't kick a puppy...don't call PETA on me...SHEESH)

The call went a little something like this...

Me: HELLO? Hello! (OMG...it's a real person answering the phone!)

Hi there! My name is Whitney. My Internet is down and I don't know what's wrong with it.

CenturyLink (CL): Yes ma'am...may I have your account number?

Me: Blah blah blah blah blah 6784 (no this isn't my real account number, but work with me)

CL: Um, Ma'am, we don't have an account number like that.

Me: Really? Because I'm reading it directly off my bill that says, "CenturyLink" under "Account Number".

CL: No ma'am...we don't have a number like that.

Me: Can you look me up by name?

CL: No ma'am, we can't do that.

Me (in my mind): "Yes, because that would just be way too easy." W-T...What the crap?

CL: Where do you live, Ma'am?

Me: Colorado.

CL: Oh! Well that would make sense. You're not within our grid. You're in a different grid. Let me transfer you. Please hold...

Great. What the hell is a grid?, and why couldn't you figure this out from before? And DANG IT...don't you guys have a different recording I can listen to? GRRRRRRRRRR. Here we go again with the same old high-speed internet advertisement while I'm on hold. Can I request some elevator music? I'll even listen to Muskrat Love, or Best of Accordian Music 2011 at this point...

So I stayed on hold for another good long while. Then they transferred me...to India. Sweet! There's a country I haven't been to today!...INDIA.Ugh.

The lady on the phone did not speak stellar English, and she kept repeating herself. A conversation that should've taken 2 minutes instead took 15. She had me unplug this, and plug in that. Then she had me hold down a reset button while I was unplugging this and that. I was trying to contort my body under the table where the power cords were to do this, and at one point when I was trying to lean over, hold the reset button, and simultaneously try to unplug the stupid modem I FELL OFF MY CHAIR, dropped my phone, and my modem, and then I fell under my table. It was hot and a super chic move on my part. I felt like it was an episode of Mary Catherine Gallagher SUPERSTAR.

**SUPERSTAR**

Turns out my modem was broken (duh). But WAIT! Shortly after I found this out, went 900 rounds of repetitious English with India, and fell off my chair and under my table, I GOT DISCONNECTED. Yes...disconnected...NOTHING HAD BEEN SOLVED OTHER THAN WE FIGURED OUT THAT MY MODEM WAS NOT WORKING AND THEN I GOT FRIGGIN' DISCONNECTED!!!!! Are you freakin' kidding me? Ok, I may have said another choice "F" word in there, but I couldn't believe it. After an hour of being on hold, and going through all of this, I now had to call them back and try to finish getting it all figured out, AND START FROM SCRATCH WITH SOMEONE NEW ON THE OTHER END OF THE LINE.

You can imagine by now that my head might be on the verge of blowing up. It was.

Let's continue with this story, shall we?

I called them back. They told me they didn't have my account number again. Then once I told them I was on a different grid they sent me to the Philippines. Awesome. Well--I haven't been there today!!!...YAY...let's go! (that was sarcasm)

When I explained to the man that my modem was broken he said, "Yes, ma'am--are you renting that modem? Or do you own that modem? If you own the modem you will have to pay $90 for a replacement modem."

Are you kidding me? How am I supposed to know if I own or rent the modem, you are the dang company! You tell me--do I own the modem because I bought it from you?... or do I rent the modem from you, and pay you monthly for it? Your records should indicate this somewhere, right? (How's that for conversation? You want to keep poking this bear with a stick? I'm going to start answering your questions with questions using the Socratic Method...BITE ME!).

After going in circles with this man for another 30 minutes, he said he would have to transfer me to the business office to see about the modem. He put me on hold...AGAIN. I sat on hold for another 20 minutes, and the same stupid CenturyLink high-speed Internet recording kept playing OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN. As if this wasn't fantastic enough, then he would pop back on the line every two minutes to ask me if I would like to continue holding because the business office line was still busy assisting other customers. The best part about this? When he cut back into the line to ask me if I wanted to continue holding HE HUNG UP ON ME.

 

**GOOSFRABA**GOOSFRABA**GOOSFRABA**

You can imagine what happened right around this time. I lost it. I had collectively been on hold, and gone in circles with India and the Philippines for over 1.5 hours...on my cell phone...using up my data plan...AND I STILL HAD A BROKEN MODEM WITH NO SOLUTION, AND NO INTERNET CONNECTION!!!!

I gave up temporarily. In an effort to keep my blonde head from completely exploding off of my shoulders I went out and ran some errands. Ok, fine...FIRST, I threw my phone across the room, and then I went out and ran my errands. What? It has an Otterbox now! There's a reason why I bought that kind of nuclear protection for my iPhone! Not only am I a klutz, and drop it all the time, but I also have an attitude problem, and making expensive sh*t fly across the room at rapid speed when I get PO'd just makes me feel better! 

(ok, I'm lying...I rarely throw things...but I did after that call got dropped...just being honest...)

I returned home from my errands. I picked up my phone. I dialed CenturyLink. It took everything I had to keep normal tone to my voice. I gave them my account number, they put me on hold, and they transferred me.

They transferred me to Bob. Who is Bob? Well I will tell you...

BOB is the only reason that my head did not spontaneously combust. Bob is also the reason I still miraculously have an account with CenturyLink after all of these stupid shenanigans. 

After the day that I had with CenturyLink on my world tour of India and the Philippines, I liken my refreshing conversation with Bob to be a little like going to a high end day spa after a long day of being on the set of American Gladiators. Do you remember American Gladiators? That show where they would smack the holy living poo out of  people with those giant Q-Tip thingys? Giant muscle chicks and dudes wearing Speedos v. people who thought they were all that and a bag of chips who then ended up getting their scrawny little butts kicked on national television? Crazy. But that's how I felt nonetheless.

Anyway, Bob was the angel of mercy, sent to me by God, in an effort to maintain my sanity and keep my hair from turning grey. It took about 1.5 minutes for Bob (who ironically lives and works in the U.S.) to troubleshoot my situation, and hook me up with a new modem. Bob was also able to consult the Great and Powerful Oz of CenturyLink as to whether or not I rented or owned my modem. Turns out I rent it...SUCKAS!!!!! My new modem is on you fine folks!!!! Ka-CHING! I'll keep my $90.00. Kiss my monkey fluffer ______!!!!!!!

Ok, enough...

I explained to Bob that I had been shipped all over the world with my CenturyLink problem via telephone that day. At one point he had to put me on hold to find out some information, to which I replied, "Bob, I know where you work, and if you disconnect me I will hunt you down, and kill you." Bob said that he understood, and that he would call me right back if he dropped my call. Imagine that!...CUSTOMER SERVICE!

**dying of shock**

Bob hooked me up with a new modem (in less than 48 hours), and got me back into the land of the living via the internet. If not for Bob, you wouldn't be able to read this fine blog post.

PS: Save your snarky comments for someone who cares--after all, you're the nerdball who just spent goodness knows how long reading this stupid thing.

I've decided to sing/dedicate a Christmas song to Bob...

GLORY TO BOB, GLORY IN THE HIGHEST (speed internet connection)

Ok, I'm done.

CenturyLink, you should give me at least 2 months free so I can seek therapy, and get my hair dyed for all of this.

I'm back on the grid, people...I'M BACK!!! :)