Thursday, June 22, 2017

Strength In (AGE) Numbers

Social media is a strange and wonderful thing. It can also be cruel and unusual punishment. It is certainly a lot of different things to different people. But one thing is certain for almost all of us--we are drawn to it like moths to a flame.

We enjoy social media. We go on there, often. We wake up, yawn, stretch, open one eye, and reach for the phone to check our notifications. Good thing--cuz the whole world might have blown up since the last time we were on there!

I had a recent encounter with someone from my past who had found me on social media. I didn't remember a whole lot about him. We shared some school memories, but I honestly could barely remember who he was. I remembered that, by the end of highschool, he had made some pretty poor choices that had landed him in a lot of trouble. I'm not passing judgment--I made my fair share of poor choices at that time. They just landed me in a different kind of trouble.

As conversation progressed with this "Facebook Friend", he quickly took things in a different direction. He told me he had a crush on me. I told him that I had a boyfriend. He told me that wouldn't last for long if he had anything to do with it. I didn't really know this guy from Adam, but he seemed to have it all figured out, and had us surfing off into the Cali sunset together already.

I've struggled with this concept with numerous men in the 8 years I've been divorced/single. Guys get in touch with me. Conversation starts up--friendly from my end, as per usual, but I don't get that vibe on the other end from most of them. It's something I like to call the simplistic rationale of "You're single, and I'm single, and we're older, and both single, so that must mean this is destiny." Either that, or the blatant, "We should just sleep together."

Back to my story of surfing off into the sunset (his idea--not mine). So, this guy was going nowhere fast with me, and ended up getting frustrated, and instigating fairly heated conversations with me on a couple of occasions. He had barbed comments to leave on my Facebook posts. Apparently I wasn't giving him the undivided attention he needed, or that he had deemed himself worthy of as my middle-aged knight in shining armour. Not that he was a terrible person. He was nice enough, I guess. At least he was when he wanted to be. I never said much in response, but I did end up direct messaging him at one point, and telling him how disappointed I was in him--right before I blocked him. One of his final sentences to me was, "You just go on ahead in your perfect little world that revolves around you, and live happily ever after." Not sure what I had said to deserve that one, but the only response I had to myself in my head was, "Sounds good to me!"

I'm keenly aware that the world does not revolve around me. I don't think I would be impressed if it did. It would be rather boring. However, the older I get, the more I look at my life and reflect on the things that I  have learned. The conclusion that I have come back to time and time again is that I'm too intelligent to repeat the past, and I'm too excited about the future to live in the past.

This is why I chose the meme that I did to represent this blog. I'm not at a point in my life where I am going to apologize for being a strong, smart, focused, determined woman. I've learned how to fight through my battles, and come out better for them on the other side. I've learned how to back away from situations that aren't worth my time, effort, or energy. I have good self-esteem, and I won't apologize for it. I know what sadness, pain, struggle, and misery feel like in this life. I also know that there is a bright spot in every part of all of those experiences, and that there is purpose and beauty in the struggle that we often can't see until we overcome the situation and are able to reflect.

I recently had another encounter with a man from my past. It was someone that I fell head-over-heels for as a teenager. I allowed this man to take a virtual wrecking ball to my life when he broke up with me back in the day. Because of it, I created huge obstacles and struggles that I would have to battle through for the rest of my life. There were years of picking up pieces, and building my life into something that was not only structurally sound again, but it became a mission to build and create something that was a personal empire of sorts. Something well-rounded, and independent that would be nearly indestructible in the future.

Anyway, he came back into my life via social media. I was more vulnerable than usual at the time because I had just gone through a breakup. We spoke on various occasions. Conversation was good. I could picture him as a friend, but the, "You're single, and I'm single, and we're older, and both single, so that must mean this is destiny." thing reared its ugly head again. But I realized something--I have not only overcome my past. I have blown by and burst out of it at supersonic speed. And I'm not going back or letting anyone drag me backwards.

When I would talk to this guy, his past would always come up. He was super talented in many areas, but the nagging voices from his past would underlie many of the conversations we had, and it became  a tiring turn-off. Whether it was ego, or body image, I just couldn't help but think, "The last thing I have time to do is glue somebody else's pieces together!!! I'm a busy girl--I can't take on more projects! I only have enough glue left to get my kids through highschool, and through their issues in their 20s!!!" 

But because I didn't want what he wanted out of the "friendship" he wanted nothing more to do with me. He walked out of my life as swiftly as he had reentered it on social media. Par for the course, I suppose. I wouldn't have expected anything different from him, really. However, it did trigger a few moments of reflection... 

I looked back on the absolute destruction I had once allowed him to cause, and how hard I had fought to overcome it. I saw firsthand that some behaviors don't ever really change--and that is OK, long as they don't drag me down and keep me stagnant and miserable with them. Oh, and I actually did a victory dance in my head--I'm no longer taking applicantions for human wrecking balls at this point in my life. My fortress is well protected these days.

My friend sent me this meme a while back. I find it very true for my life. As a matter of fact, and as I have said many times, "I would rather stay single forever than to settle for less than what I know I need/want/desire for my life." However, there is still hope for me, friends (because I know a lot of you do care, and I appreciate you for it)!!! As a matter of fact, I have big plans for my future!!! Most of which mainly involve not knowing where my future will take me!!! BUT I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO THE JOURNEY!!! 

(: CHEERS :)

Sunday, May 28, 2017

Friday, February 10, 2017

So This Is Happening Right Now...

Whaaaaaat???? Couldn't be further from my comfort zone, but I am here, and it is CRAZY.

So, I arrived at my hotel, walked into the lobby, and this was my response shortly thereafter:

(you can follow my ridiculous Snapchat videos on
Apparently, I've lived a very sheltered life. Yes, I'm the new kid in Vegas.


I have sensory overload at the moment. So I had to go to my hotel room and do yoga. Not even kidding. Then I busted out the wine.

Just going to wing it, and have a kick-ass time!!!


Sunday, January 29, 2017

Thursday, December 15, 2016


Happy holidays!!! Some people send Christmas cards. I send a Christmas blog these days. I used to handcraft all of my Christmas cards. They were super elaborate, and I had fun designing them every year. However, that all stopped when I got divorced, and I haven't been able to get stoked about Christmas cards since. THAT DOES NOT MEAN I DON'T LIKE TO RECEIVE THEM!!! I WANT YOUR CHRISTMAS CARDS!!! Glad we are clear. I'm waiting for your cards. Eagerly. :)

As anticipated, this has kind of been a wild year for me. I packed up and moved from Wasilla, Alaska in 2015, and moved to a town in California that I had only picked out randomly on a map one night when I was working in OB Triage at my hospital in Alaska when had i no patients. I knew I wanted to be closer to home so I had a shorter commute to see my kids, but I loved the hospital system I was currently in, so I called up all of their job postings on the intranet, did my research, and picked the hospital that was closest to the BEACH in California!!!! And it has worked out well for me in most areas thus far :)

I spend a lot of time at the beach on my days off. I workout a lot, but my workouts have taken on a new form. I go running on the beach multiple times per week. I was just there tonight, and it was GORGEOUS!!! I've logged 17 miles on my Fitbit in the past two days, and mostly because I JUST DON'T WANT TO GO HOME!!!

Something strange happens in Cali in the winter. People get cold--when it's 60F. I am one of them now when I'm not running, but this is PERFECT RUNNING WEATHER!!! I run on the beach all the time, and it isn't abnormal to be there by MYSELF and late at night!!! Which is ALSO amazing!!! It's so quiet, and peaceful. It's better for my soul than any breathing and relaxing I've paid to do in a yoga studio--and it's FREE. Unreal.

Of course, I have spent many, many days surfing, as well. This is a surf photo from one of my many trips to surf the North Shore of Kauai, but, funny story as to why this insn't a recent Cali photo-- it's hard to video yourself surfing in Cali when you fly solo 97% of the time in the waves, so this is the photo you get--and it's from close to shore, because cameras also don't like to get wet, and Santa hasn't brought me the GoPro of my dreams. I have also joined the South Bay Surf Club here in Torrance, CA, but those weirdos like to surf dawn patrol at the crack of dawn, and this kid works nights, so our times don't jive most of the time. Solo surfer girl most of the time, but I have met some pretty awesome surfers here, and they have always treated me well. I've had encounters with dolphins, whales, flying fish, and a baby (5ft) great white shark. Thankful for that, and not getting bit or eaten :)

I have been able to travel home more frequently to Colorado from L.A., which has been GREAT. It's ridiculous. I fly exclusively with Southwest Airlines as my airline of choice. They are the BEST AIRLINE, EVER. I loved Alaska Airlines, but Southwest ROCKS. Not only do bags fly free, but I get my return tickets from Denver to LAX for $44. What?!!? I can barely put gas in my car for that price! I am their biggest fan. They really have made my family situation a whole lot easier. I don't have to work as many overtime hours to make my life work because of their low fares, and I feel like they truly CARE about their passengers. Always happy, nice, friendly people to help me out along the way. It warms my heart--because a big piece of my heart is in Colorado and I need them to get there every few weeks to be with my kids!!! And my girls have been able to fly solo on Southwest as "Young Travelers" since they were the age of 12. I don't have to pay the crazy babysitting rate to have someone watch my kids that the other airlines charge ($100 per kid and each way). My kids can watch themselves on an airplane, and are VERY well solo-traveled by now--they know how to navigate LAX better than I do.

Still loving the hospital I work at. Every unit has its issues, but I've learned to just step back and let that be the case. It's the nature of the beast. The thinG I have enjoyed the most about where I currently work is my nurse coworkers. We all have fun, enjoy being around each other, and we're a great team. We always have each other's backs, and there is none of the catty crap I had to deal with in Alaska. It makes all the difference in the world, and I'm am very thankful for all my L&D girls!!! However, the one thing I will say is that the docs are super hit or miss here. You need some THICK SKIN to work in this part of Cali. Which makes it all the more necessary that I have a good team of girls to work with as nurses. We have to combat a lot of doctor crap, but we can spin it, make fun of it and it keeps our spirits up :)

I'm not Catholic, but my hospital does a great job of decorating at Christmas, and keeping true to the Christmas message of Christ's birth. I am always thankful to work for a hospital that is faith-based. FAITH--not RELIGION. I have some strong lines I draw between faith and religion, but this is a stellar bunch, and I always enjoy the prayer over the speakers on each shift to ground me, lift me up,  and remind me of my purpose. It is enlightening, and welcomed.

So, funny Cali story. I've been asked multiple times since I've been here if people can have my autograph, and if I'm an actress. No. But I'm a labor and delivery nurse, and a mom of 4 amazing kids. Does that count? Makes me laugh every time. Sorry, LAX paparazzi. You guys kill me. I would rather die with unpedicured toes than be the Kardashians. Or maybe L.A. will "discover" me, and give me a late night show. I'd actually dig that. More my style.

 My twins will be out here on December 22nd for Christmas!!!! I'm SO looking forward to our time together. I love my girls so much. Looking forward to Christmas cookie baking, gingerbread house making, all the Christmas movies they make me watch (over and over and over again), and watching out traditional movie each year, "It's a Wonderful Life", beach hikes/runs, surfing, and DISNEYLAND!!!! Oh...and PRESENTS! I'm such a Christmas kid, and, if nothing else, I'm glad I've been able to share Christmas with these babes in both Cali and Alaska because of my work situation. Not the ideal situation, but the way your family works is what makes you a family. Love is glue. This works for us. :) And we get some awesome memories and adventures to boot. ;)

Did I forget to mention that I met Santa in L.A.? It just happened to be running past him one night. He was sitting on a cliff, in a lawn chair, enjoying the sunset in Palos Verdes, CA. I walked up to him. Asked him for a pic. I told him that I went to college at the University of Alaska Fairbanks, just outside North Pole, Alaska. He got a kick out of it. He is a TV personality here in L.A., but lives part time in Oregon. He has written multiple children's Christmas books. He does a lot in our L.A. community to keep the spirit of Santa alive. He also drives a red Mini with the license plate "N-Pole". He's good people. He even gave me his card.

Single? Dating?

Wouldn't you like to know. Here is what I can divulge about the current situation:

Blue Eyes
Dark Hair
Mostly athletic
Gainfully employed with a Master's Degree
Long distance relationship
Does not drink alcohol (which is OK--I probably drink enough for both of us most of the time)
Age? 30s
Does he surf?--Yes. Praise the Lord.
Favorite attribute: He enjoys my CrAZy and offers sweet advice when I exceed my parameters.
Weakness?--flossing teeth regularly. I floss my teeth twice daily and expect the same from those I date--I'm the dental hygiene Nazi.

That's all. Oh, and these Emoji pics that preserve our identity.

As I conclude this blog, I wish you all a very happy holiday season. This has been a very trying year for me at times. It has brought me to my knees in tears with heartbreak at times, but I'm eternally grateful for the grace of God. For growth. For change. For having faith that God isn't going to leave me where I'm at right now, and that my future and potential is bright beyond what I can fathom. Aim high in 2017. Don't get stuck feeling down, depressed, weird, or unloved. Engage in this life. Seek out a purpose. Be strong. Forgive. LOVE. Love love love!!!! You are all amazing, and when we truly realize that we are not here by accident, then we can start living with a purpose and stream our focus. I'm thankful for the celebration of this Christmas season. Thank you, Jesus. You are, and will always be my RoCkStAr.


Saturday, November 19, 2016

DOLPHINS!!!! How these sweet creatures have touched my heart :)

So, when I first moved to Torrance, California, I was out on my surfboard at sunset, and about 10 ft in front of my board, a fin popped up. And then another fin popped up. And another. There was a beautiful pod of dolphins in front of me. Then, all of the sudden, a juvenile whale blew water out of his blowhole (he was swimming with his dolphin friends). I was just lying on my board, just watching all of this magic unfold in front of me. I wanted them to come closer. All I could think was that they showed up as a sign that I was where I was supposed to be at this time in my life. It was so beautiful, and felt so right. I had a calming peace that overwhelmed me.

Ever since, I've adopted the dolphins as a "sign". I've gone through some tough times in the past 6 months. When I'm at the beach, I've said, "God, if ___________ is supposed to happen, or be your direction for my life, let me see the dolphins." Some days I would ask questions, and see them. Some days I would ask questions, and no dolphins were in sight. 

I asked a very specific, and important question one night at the beach; a very important question that could, and would change the direction of my life. And the dolphins never showed up. However, the question I asked was regarding a special person in my life, and the direction I should go with him. I was confused at that time. I had different directions I could go, and they were intriguing. But I had to know for sure what God had planned for my life.

About a week later, I was walking a path in San Diego with this wonderful man. We were holding hands. The ocean was just off to the side of the path. This man turned to me, hugged me, and gave me a long, beautiful kiss--that was then interrupted by the sound of dolphins blowing water out of their blowholes. Of course, this man had no idea that the dolphins were the symbol of the answer to my deepest questions, but we stopped kissing, and turned towards the water to see where they were. They were SO close to us!!!

This is the video that I took while walking on the beach about a week and a half ago with that same man. And the dolphins showed up, and put on quite a show for us. It was like watching a dance that had choreographed just for us. And there is no one in the world I would've rather shared the moment with :)


Good Advice...

I took this photo at Torrance Beach, and added the words. I saw this quote during a very difficult time in my life, and it couldn't have been at a better time, or had a greater impact. These words are SO true, and have spoken VERY clearly to me. There has been such a major change in my heart, my actions, my words, and my life over the past 6 months. Not a bad thing. I'm still the same me, only better, and I'm very, VERY, thankful for that. :)