Friday, April 29, 2011

OK...Now Time to Have Some Royal Fun With Wedding Hats I already posted my sentimental blog about the Royal Wedding today. Now it is time for a little bit of fun. Hat fun. It was "Silly Hat Friday"--didn't you get the memo? Did you guys get a load of some of those "things" people were wearing on their head today? It's amazing Kate Middleton didn't fall over and giggle herself to death as she acknowledged some of the people in the crowd. Enough...let's do this...

Let's start with my most FAVORITE (ROFL) hat of the day. This is brilliant. I work in Women's Services at the hospital and this is dead-on with every uterus I've seen taken out and sewn up during a C-Section surgery. It's kind of a toss up for me. It's a mix of uterus and that ribbon candy they have out at Christmas. I dunno--she kind of looks a bit like a cake topper, too. Whoever takes this lovely princess home tonight better have a few extra glasses of champagne and a good sense of humor.

Then there is the Queen Mum (the one on the left). Apparently butter cream yellow and monochromatic was the flavor of the day. She kind of resembles a stick of margarine with poor eyesight. I shouldn't talk--I look horrible in yellow. It makes my skin look like I have liver disease. They did sing "God Save the Queen (from that outfit)" today.

Um, scuze me, seem to have a bit of brain oozing out of your head. Hang on a minute--I'll grab a Band Aid and some sutures. Don't worry--I'm a nurse. We'll get this mess cleaned up right properly.

Somewhere there is a blue bird with a perm flying around out there who is missing some feathers.

I am now convinced that we have had visitors from another planet here on earth. Not only did they do a fantastic job parking their spaceship with precision, but with antennae like that I'm sure they have amazing cellular phone reception.  

That's where my tumbleweed went!!! I've been looking all over over for it! Introducing Princess Bramblehead of Wales.

Awwww....look who got invited to the big event...IT'S MASSIVE HEADWOUND HARRY. She looks like she has a lot on her mind. Actually, she's probably giving the evil stink-eye to Princess Bramblehead for one-uping her.

Victoria Beckham has spent the past year coming up with head protection for heading soccer balls and has apparently decided to present her invention at The Royal Wedding. It's called The Ball Bumper. It comes in purple, too. Hmmm...I don't think they can technically call it a hat if it's not on your head. This looks like it's really weighing down her eyebrows. She may have to have a brow lift soon.

I think the stone fell out of Kate's engagement ring and landed on this poor lady's head.

...and that was the last time the princess ever went to the Butterfly Pavilion.

And to bring up the tail end of this blog entry we have Drizella and Anastasia--the evil step sisters of Cinderella. Is it just me, or does everyone with one these hats on look angry? I would be. The one on the left looks strikingly similar to my feather duster. Better than the giant fettuccine noodle head she's standing next to though.

With Poise and Grace: My Thoughts on Prince William & Princess Kate

The "Wedding of the Century" has finally come to fruition. Now that the "I Will's" are over, it's time to critique the blessed events of The Royal Wedding.

First of all, let me just say that I am a huge Kate Middleton fan. I think part of the allure of "The Kate Middleton Story" is that it truly is a fairytale come true. This was not a whirlwind relationship that started out fast and furious in love. This was not a rush to the alter during the blissful "Crazy in Love" phase. This was a smart, well calculated, and well measured endeavor of the heart that I truly feel will likely get the Royals divorce-laden past back on track. Some of you might be saying, "Well calculated? Well measured? Is that how LOVE should be?", In my opinion...ABSOLUTELY. If you're not going to be smart about love then you should not involve yourself in it.

There have been critics who mocked and heckled the royal couple. They had been together for nine years prior to their engagement. At one point the couple had broken up for a few months and then had gotten back together. Some people look at breakups as a sign of weakness in a relationship. I am not one of those people. I think that a breakup can give you a refreshing perspective and the time needed to reevaluate direction and level of commitment in a relationship. I believe that in the "relationship" phase where there is not that marital commitment in place it's nice to be able to make sure the one who you are with is the one you are supposed to be with.

Some might be surprised to learn that my relationship has had a couple of these moments. Not many have known about it, but those who have seem to definitely have their opinion about it. Consensus from the peanut gallery, much like the royal hecklers, is that a breakup means impending doom. Luckily, I feel differently about it. Some of the best moments of realization in my relationship have come with the clarity of "taking a break" from it. To Kate and William I say, "THANK YOU! Thank you for showing the world that they don't know how your relationship works--oh...and TOUCHE!!!".

I have a good feeling about Will and Kate. In a world where the divorce rate is nearly 60% I think this marriage will not contribute to "up-ing" that statistic. It's refreshing to see people take time to think about what they are doing before they move forward. I intend to be one of those people. I want to know what my life is going to look like when I decide to marry. I want to know as much as I can about my compatibility with the man I end up with before I take the big leap. I want to avoid the "Ah Ha moments" and the "Holy crap, what the heck did I get myself into" times that come with rushing into marriage. I had only dated my ex-husband for 6 months prior to getting engaged, and we were married shortly thereafter. It was a huge detriment to us, and a mistake I don't ever wish to repeat.

On to The Royal Wedding. Wow. It was beautiful. Not too over the top, not too understated. Kate's dress? I couldn't have been more off. I had guessed "couture" and "edgy" and it was nothing but graceful and brilliant. It was GORGEOUS. Her sister, Pippa, looked absolutely breathtaking as well. Whoever styled the Middleton sisters gets a Perfect 10 in my book. They were STUNNING. And Kate's wedding ring? Not what I expected at all. I thought that it would be full of precious stones but it was a simple, narrow, platinum band. I was surprised on numerous occasions today. It was great--and this is coming from the girl who hates weddings. ;)

The ceremony was touching. I loved the scripture that was chosen. I loved when Kate's brother read from the bible. I love that the couple did not kiss after they became husband and wife--I thought it was very classy. We all know that they have kissed over a million times in the nine years they have been together. I don't think they "owed it to us" or needed to "seal the deal" with a controversial kiss that the world would critique for the rest of their lives. When the couple did finally kiss on the balcony it was everything I had expected--subtle, genuine, and modest. I don't need to see someone plant a huge kiss on their mate to feel like "it's a done deal". I thought it was great--especially in this day and age where so many people think a sloppy, slurpee kiss is something we all need to be a part of as we share in celebrating their big day. Who was the first couple who thought sloppy tongue kisses were appropriate for weddings? Ugh. It makes me want to lose my lunch when I see people do that at their wedding...

So yes--not my funniest blog ever. I guess weddings make a lot of people reflect on what marriage means. It was certainly great to watch. However, I've had my fill and now I won't have to see another one until either Prince Harry gets married, or until Will and Kate's kiddos tie the knot. Cheers to the royal couple, and cheers to true love. I think Princess Di would've been very proud.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Le Creuset Cookware Is On Sale! But Make Sure You Buy Yourself Some Free Weights...

Ahhhhh. Just returned from a hard day at work. To set the scene, picture me...a glass of wine...heating up a leftover slice of pizza...grabbing the Crate and Barrel catalog...kicking up my feet. O-M-G...Le Creuset cookware...on 61. It's BEAUTIFUL. It's COLORFUL. It's...10,000 lbs....

I'm writing this blog because THIS VERY PICTURE THAT YOU SEE UP ABOVE is my cookware. I love it. It's red. It's shiny. It's...It's...TOO HEAVY FOR ME TO LIFT. It's cast iron. Each pot/pan weighs AT LEAST 25 lbs. This is what happens when a blonde girl has lofty dreams of acquiring amazing cookware that she'll never have to replace and goes out and spends a crap ton of money on something that looks amazing ONLY TO FIND OUT THAT SHE ISN'T STRONG ENOUGH TO PICK THE STUPID STUFF UP! Yep. That's right. That's me--Wimpy McWimpyPants. I can't even muster up enough strength on most days to strain my spaghetti. True story.

For those of you who know me--I work out. I lift. I run. I do situps like a Richard Simmons crack baby. There is no reason that I should be bested by freakin' cookware. It bugs me. The only thing that bugs me more than the fact that I can't lift my own cookware is the fact that I spent well over $1000 on my cookware only to humiliate and humble myself on a daily basis.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Kate Middleton...Better You Than Me. However, I'm There For You, Sister,--Even If It's Just On My 52" Samsung Flatscreen

There doesn't seem to be a TV channel that you can flip to these days without seeing the soon-to-be Royal Couple, William and Kate, flashing about. Friday, April 29th is the big day for this Royal Couple--and it's one of the only weddings I have actually decided to attend for the rest of my life--albeit from my living room, but I'm going (I think Buckingham Palace must have misplaced my address. I spoke with David and Victoria Beckham over a month ago and they had already received their invite so I'm sure mine will be here any day--probably got lost going "across the pond".).

I am not a big fan of weddings. As a matter of fact, the last wedding I attended was my last--forever and ever (with the exception of televised events such as the Royal Wedding). I know I'm fairly young to be making such a bold statement, but weddings for me are like oil and water--the two don't mix. I know some of you are just coming off of my Easter blog and how I went off about how I don't like Easter, either. You might be thinking, "Holy crap! Is there ANYTHING this girl does like?". The answer is YES. I told you in my blog about me being an International Blogging Superstar (ha ha) that I like Cheez Whiz--so there--OH! and a good pair of 4-6" heels).

Back to the matter at hand. Weddings are super painful for me. I was married back in 2000 and I refer to it as, "My Nightmare in Pink Chiffon". It was a disaster--and certainly not anything any girl ever dreams about. I'm now divorced (no, not because of the wedding--it was bad, but not THAT bad, people!), and believe you me--there are NO plans of any sort of  formal, organized weddings in this girl's future. I know for you snow globe favor loving, Jordan almond crunching, get-down-and-get-jiggy-with-it, open bar, reception-loving folk that you will not be able to wrap you head around this one--but it's just my point of view on wedding hub-bub these days. *YAWN*STRETCH* I know--I'm no fun. I'm a fun-sucker. However, it's truly in the world's best interest to save me the invite to all weddings. Ever see "Debbie Downer" on Saturday Night Live? *WAaah WAaaah*--that's me at weddings. Save a tree--don't invite me. ;)

I love that show on TLC, "Say Yes to the Dress". I don't know why. I like watching people buying wedding gowns. I could do without the wedding, but the dress is a must. I also love fashion, so the fact that I love to sit there and critique women as they try on wedding dresses should not come as a huge surprise. I'm dying to see what Kate Middleton's dress is going to look like. My best guess is something super couture and maybe a little "edgy"--something to lighten those tight, stuffy Royals up a bit. I also can't wait to see what she wears for shoes. Something tells me she's not going to sneak a pair of flip flops or Tevas under that gown.

It's not that I'm opposed to marriage--please don't get me wrong. I will likely get married again. There are two things I am looking forward to with that--First: I have a fantastic ring picked out. It's GORGEOUS. But I'm a little miffed at the fact that now, because of Kate Middleton, it will be considered "unoriginal". The same thing happened to me when I was pregnant with the twins and had Emma's name picked out and then Jennifer Aniston on "Friends" named her baby Emma and then the whole world had babies and named them Emma. Anywho--I digress. I have a brilliant RUBY ring flanked with diamonds picked out. I love bling--but if I have to wear it forever I want the shiny RED rock--not the clear rock. :) Kate Middleton has the blue one and I will have the red one. *SIGH* Oh well. Just so I can have it documented--I had mine picked out before William coughed hers up.

The other thing I have all figured out is the gown--and it's the only other thing I have to have figured out because I'm not having a wedding. See!...SIMPLE!!! No worries, no Bridezilla, no Jordan almonds or finger foods, no flower bouquets or venues to think about. It's going to be amazing. Just me and _______________ on a beach in Maui. My kids got upset when I told them that I wasn't ever going to have a wedding. Emma said, "But Mom!...I wanted to be your flower girl!". I told her that I wasn't going to have any flowers and that it was going to be on a beach with just me and ______________________, She replied, "Well can I at least come there and throw sand at you?" (this was after an episode of Say Yes to the Dress where she saw people throwing birdseed--it was precious).

I have also been recently inspired by Prince William. I've decided that my guy doesn't have to wear a wedding ring, either. Some people are really wigging out about the fact that the Prince has made a royal statement not to "bling" himself up, but I actually have lukewarm, relatively neutral feelings about it. The rings are a symbol--but that's all. I will wear one (when I'm not at work--I'm sure the ladies I perform cervical exams on will appreciate that) but guy isn't going to be a fire hydrant and I'm not a dog. I don't feel like I have to "mark my territory" on my guy with a metal circle. If he's gonna cheat, he's gonna cheat. I won't even go all "Lorena Bobbit" on him. I'll just walk away (and probably head to the nail salon for a pedicure and then out to Nordstrom Bistro with my gal pals for lunch while surrounding myself with ample retail therapy).

So yes, yes, yes...I will be pouring a spot of tea and nestling down with a plate full of crumpets this Friday. I saw a recent poll where people over in the U.K. were asked if they would like to trade places with Kate Middleton. The results? An overwhelming, "NO WAY". I feel the same way. She is gorgeous--but she can keep it. I love shopping sprees and pedicures, but there is no amount of money that can make up for having cameras shoved in your face at all times and being in that kind of spotlight. Not only could I not handle the pressure, but I'd probably end up having a seizure with all of those flashbulbs going off in my face. It wouldn't be pretty. That, and I can't pull off crazy hats with wonky feathers in them like she can. It's all you, Kate Middleton! ;)

Monday, April 25, 2011

Sorry, Lauren Conrad, But I Tried and Failed: Adventures of Whitney Cleaning Out Her Closet

As some of you know, I recently took a trip up to Wasilla, Alaska to interview for nursing jobs. While I was up there the wind was blowing about 100 mph and I didn't want to leave my little cottage on top of the bluff that I was staying at--it seemed much smarter just to curl up with a good book by the fire and RELAX.

The book I chose to read while I was up there was, "Style--by Lauren Conrad". Many of you know that I am a fashionista through and through. I love love love fashion and I dress up anytime I can. I'm just not a jeans and flip flops kind of girl most of the time (although if you could ever see me at home it is my FIRM rule that the moment I am through the door the amazing fashion comes OFF and the yoga pants and tee go ON). So, yes, I read the book while I was up there and loved the section on cleaning out your closet and being methodical about it. I happened to, at the time, have my walk-in closet in a state of utter distress. So much so that if a closet could actually be personified mine would be frowning, waving a white flag, and have "God is Nigh" funeral music playing in the background. I decided to follow Lauren's advice and one day tackled my closet accordingly.

I spent an ENTIRE DAY going through everything that I owned--shoes, clothing, unmentionables--you name it. It either got tried on, thought about hard, or tossed out willy nilly because I hadn't worn it in upwards of six months or more. I made strategic piles--one for the garbage (including the unmentionables--I'm all about charity but I wasn't going to Goodwill my used panties, folks!!!), one pile for the consignment shop (all of my higher-end to high-end clothing that was in great shape that could potentially fetch a price), and one pile for the tailor to have alterations made (clothing that I love but that I no longer fit into because it's a size or two too big).

I devoted one entire day to taking my clothing to consignment shops. First stop was a shop that was directed at teen to early twenty-somethings. Not because I own clothing that I feel is appropriate for that age group, but more because there are some stores that carry both teen and women's clothing so LABEL-WISE they had a chance of being sold there. I hauled in a ton of bags to the store. They told me that the wait would be over an hour and that I had to stay in the store the entire time. "Fine. Whatever. Ok...I'll play. Just what I wanted to do on my day off--spend and entire day in a store that sells used clothing. The only thing better is the smells that go along with the used clothing." (no...I didn't really say this--this is where it helps not to have Turrets Syndrome...but I was certainly thinking and feeling it). At the end of this long wait, and after inhaling all of the wonderful scents from the clothing dropped off by numerous smoking teenagers and teens who love to play with perfume MY NAME WAS CALLED TO THE COUNTER FOR MY FINAL TALLY...and I made out with taking most of my clothes back out to my car and $5.26 for a skirt and a pair of shorts that they kept. Awesome. I'll try not to spend it all in one place. After they paid me this huge sum of cash they told me that most of my clothes were "WOMEN'S" clothing. Well HALLELUJAH!!!! Cuz I just happen to be one of those. So off to the WOMEN'S consignment shop I went...

After a deja vu moment of hauling loads of my clothing into the Women's Consignment Shop I looked around and realized, "Uh oh...I don't think I'm old enough to be in here." I had just come from "Teen Queen Katy Perry Wannabe Land" and was now flung into the "Land of Efferdent and Super Polygrip". Really? Ok...again--I'll play. Mostly because I just hauled all these flipping bags in here. Luckily, the guy at the counter told me they would go through my things and call me when they were done. I received the call later that night and went back to the store to pick up the remaining items--which was nearly everything I had brought into them. As he cashed me out at the register he handed me $21.46 and said, "I'm sorry--but most of the clothing that you have is for younger people."

Ok--let me get this straight. I take my stuff to the "Younger People" consignment shop and they tell me that my clothing is for "Older People". I take my clothing to the "Older People" consignment shop and they tell me that my clothing is for "Younger People". It's too bad that my focus in life is not on resale fashion merchandising because I would have one heck of a killer consignment shop called, "30 Somethings". BUT...after my two experiences in the consignment shops I couldn't stand to go home smelling like that everyday--and I'm a nurse so that's really saying something.

Well, Lauren Conrad, I tried. Now all I have is a car full of clothing and $26.72. I haven't even made it to the tailor yet with all my "Tailoring Pile" so they are all hanging from the moulding around my bedroom door and I hit my head on the clothing every time I try to walk out of my room. Not only that, but the new Athleta catalog came out today and is full of killer dresses so out with the old and in with the new--this fashionista is going to forego the tailor and hit the shopping!!!

HEY WHITNEY, WHAT DO YA SAY, WE ALL WANT TO KNOW WHAT YOU LEARNED TODAY. WE'RE ALL EARS SO COME ON TAKE IT AWAY, WE ALL WANT TO KNOW WHAT YOU LEANED TODAY (you're welcome--that was to the theme song of JoJo's Circus on Disney Channel). So here's the dealio: I've learned that next time I clean out my closet that Goodwill is going to get a ton of amazing clothing. As much as $26.72 is nothing to sneeze at in today's crappy economy, it's not worth the hours out of my life that it took to acquire it. It's also not worth all the smells I had to smell to get it. Lauren Conrad--I adore you, but I'm going back to the Whitney Method of closet cleaning and heading to one store (Goodwill) and the garbage bin with my panties.

The good news?...My closet looks completely fabulous. :)

Sunday, April 24, 2011

WHITNEY: INTERNATIONAL BLOGGING SUPERSTAR (ok...I might be exaggerating a little...BUT I'M STOKED!)

WELL NOW THAT I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION...I'm not really an International a blogging SUPERSTAR...but I feel like it (and I'm well on my way so just you wait and see)! I started this blog back in June of 2010 as a way to do two things I love--stay in touch with people about my life, and blabber out all of the garbles of stuff that exist in my brain onto a blog. I usually list a link to my blog posts on my Facebook page. I have a fair number of friends who I know read my blog--and I love it. I love the funny stuff you guys say after my posts and the encouragement you give me to keep spilling out all the junk in my head onto this website. I also have about 6 of my friends who "follow" my blog as followers on Blogspot. It's a hoot--and truly great that anyone cares enough to read my postings in the first place.

For those of you who know me--I am blonde. Not just blonde because of my Norwegian heritage--but truly blonde in all the sense of the type of blonde that people make blonde jokes about (only I have two degrees in science to back up that my "blonde-ness" is only a transient feature...I have my moments of relative brilliance as well). One of these blonde moments happened quite recently. See--although I blog like a columnist on crack at times, I don't pay much attention to the actual features on my blog. The other day while puttzing around on this site I noticed a tab labeled "STATS". How had I missed this? (I can hear you whispering, "Because you are blonde..."--shut it--I KNOW). Lo and Behold after I pushed that little stat button it revealed that there are a few more people other than my Facebook friends following my blog--thousands to be exact. And not just people here in the United States--I have a fair number of international peeps, too! I find this uber thrilling. Like "having Cheez Whiz nachos" thrilling (and I like some Cheez Whiz, folks).

So here's the deal: I have the largest number of blog watchers here in the US (including Alaska--which is not surprising because I have a lot of friends in both the lower 48 and up in Alaska and Hawaii). What DOES surprise me is that my next two largest groups of blog readers are in the United Kingdom and Canada (with the largest ratings from B.C.)--WOOT WOOT *HOLLA!* Great to have you two countries on board here at Blah-dee Blah Blah Blah-dee Blah Blah Blog! Other countries who frequent this blog are Finland, Norway, Belgium, Germany, Netherlands, Brazil, China, Australia, France, Slovenia, and my most recent additions--Israel, Denmark, and Hungary. All I have to say is WOW. Thank you! This makes me very happy...

Now that I am aware that there are actually more people interested in this blog (aside from my beloved peeps) there is going to be a fair bit more to come on Blah-dee Blah Blah Blah-dee Blah Blah Blog. I am probably going to start doing some video blogging. Mostly because I bought a video camera and don't have much else to use it for so using it to make a fool out of myself sounds pretty good to me. ;) As most of you know--I have a lot to say and so any medium in which I can say it thrills me to pieces.

"Why Whitney...WHY?" you ask (ok--you didn't ask but I'm going to speak for you and pretend like you care here). Is it because I like to write? YES. Is it because I like to entertain people? YES. Is it because I want attention? No...but maybe yes. Is it because I want someone in the world to discover my writing and give me a job as a columnist for a magazine? HECK YES. ;)

Regardless--the blog is going to be amped up a bit. That STATS button is my new addiction. I love seeing the traffic on my blog and love that so many people...well...CARE enough to stop by and see what is going on in the land of Whitney's Brain. It's quite flattering.

Hope you ENJOY the future of this blog.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Could It Be?-- Someday I Might Be Almost Dr. Whitney? Who Would've Thunk It?...

It was a VERY interesting day at work today. Not JUST because I get to help deliver babies on a daily basis. Nope...something BIG happened. Let me go all "Julie Andrews in The Sound of Music" on you and say, "Let's start at the very beginning...a very good place to start..."

I FINALLY made it into Labor and Delivery as an RN. Although I am blissfully happy, something has happened to me since I started working there. Something I said would never EVER happen to me. Something I swore I would rather beat my head against a wall than actually do. I, Whitney, RN, BSN, think I might actually GO BACK TO SCHOOL!!! *SHOCK*FALLING TO THE FLOOR*TWITCHING STARTING*SEIZURE PRECAUTIONS TAKEN*DEFIBRILLATOR PADS ATTACHED TO CHEST*!!!!!!!!

I can't tell you how many times I swore up and down when I was in nursing school that I would never take another class that had to do with anything in the medical field. I did not like nursing school. I wanted to quit going upwards of 75 times in 22 months. If you crunch the numbers, that's not a super awesome statistic. My sister is also an RN and recently told me that she plans on going back to school for her Nurse Practitioner in geriatrics this fall to which I replied, "Better you than me! I wouldn't be caught dead doing that!!" And now look what is happening to me. I'm reneging. I'm a sell out. I'm a sucker. I'm a glutton for scholastic punishment. I THINK I'M GOING TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL!!!! *EEeeeeek*AAahhhhhhh*GAG*HACK*SPLUTTER*...true story.

"So what is it that you are thinking about going to school for, Whitney?" I'm so glad you asked. If this blog wasn't a two-sided conversation with just myself it might seem awkward. ;) I've been seriously kicking around the idea of going back to school so I can be either a Certified Nurse Midwife, or if I'm feeling completely crazy--an OB-GYN. I want to actually "DELIVER" babies. Right now I "ASSIST" with delivering babies--which is amazing. But I want the white coat and the job of pulling the little suckers out. Bottom line.

I was fortunate enough to meet with a Certified Nurse Midwife today who heads up the education committee for my unit. She told me that she would be more than happy to help me figure out how to make this happen. It's not something that will happen right away--I have to have at least 2 years in labor and delivery as a nurse before I can enter a program. However, in 3-5 years you just might be saying, "Eh...what's up, Doc?" (and you will be able to say, "Eh...what's up ALMOST Doc?" if I become a midwife because the only thing I won't be doing is C-Section deliveries...the rest is all what the other docs do. :)


Friday, April 22, 2011

My Song For My God-- It Ain't Easy But I'm Tryin'

Oh my goodness. The blogger It's true. That's what this post is about. Well, actually this post is about God--and just happens to include a song I wrote for Him. There is also a message attached to it on Christianity and the obligations that go with that. The title of the song is literally from my heart and it is how I feel about God and about Godly things. I fall short ALL THE TIME. However, I am thankful for the forgiveness that comes from God and the opportunity to refine myself on a daily basis. I hope you enjoy. Normally there is humor with some of my blogs--this video has a little, but it is truly from my heart. I wrote this song in 1999. I hope to record it this year. Enjoy! (PS--great frozen pic of my face, eh? Seriously, YouTube--that's the best you could do? I look like I'm getting ready to hurl. LOL!) (It Ain't Easy But I'm Tryin': Copyright 2011)

"Who Says" by Selena Gomez--The Song Every Young Girl Should Have on Her iPod

ALL THE BEAUTIFUL LITTLE LADIES (and that means YOU, and YOU, and YOU)!!!: I think this song is AmAzInG and I think every girl in the world should listen to the words and realize how important they are in this life. As a mother of three beautiful girls (all three of whom totally dig this song--mostly because their mom does so I make them listen to it) I think it's so important to communicate to these gals how special, beautiful, and unique each and every one of them are. Just a "feel good" amazing song that has a strong message. With social pressures and a world filled with magazines and movies around every bend that often times leads to low self esteem, feelings of unworthiness, and self deprecation  I think we need to work on making our girls strong and powerful forces to be reckoned with--and it starts with loving yourself from the inside out. I love it. :)

Turtle Serenade Painting for Lindsey and Ed

This painting was inspired by my trip to Maui last summer. Fully texturized detailing, metallic acrylics, gold embellishments, my custom WM signature handcrafted frame, and high gloss glaze. For more of my custom paintings, please visit my website at

Coastal Painting of Lighthouse for Lindsey and Ed

This painting has my signature handcrafted frame, a ton of texture, and includes some sculpted pieces I created. Acrylic medium with metallic paints, intricate detailing, and high gloss glaze. For more of my custom artwork, please visit my website at

Turtle and Monkey Painting for Tait and Laura's Children

Two personalized paintings I made for Tait and Laura's children. They live in Alaska and so the winter motif was a must! Fully texturized, custom, handmade frames, acrylic medium, glitter and gloss glaze, and glass stone embellishments. For more of my custom artwork, please visit my online art gallery at

Saxaphone Painting for Lindsey and Ed

I recently finished this painting for my friends, Ed and Lindsey, who live in Juneau, Alaska. Standing over three feet tall--this is my largest painting yet. Ed and Lindsey love to relax with wine and listen to jazz music selections. I painted this piece for their new house. Acrylic medium, fully texturized, glitz, glitter, sparkle added, and a high gloss glaze. For more of my paintings, please visit my online art gallery at

New Parisian Painting for Rhonda and Jeremy

Here is my latest painting for my friends, Rhonda and Jeremy. They are off to Paris in a few weeks so I wanted to make a painting for them to commemorate their trip. Acrylic medium, gloss glaze, textured, and black feather boa trim. To see more of my paintings please visit 

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Whitney's Adventure at the Chiropractor *SNAP*CRACKLE*POP*

I finally did it!!!! After years of torturing my body with ski racing, soccer, trail running, weight lifting, being a nurse, and cranking out four children I WENT TO THE CHIROPRACTOR!!! I've heard many jokes about chiropractors. One of my friends refers to them a "CrackerPractors". Although I'm seriously skeptical that there is anything in the world that can make my back feel better these days (besides a gorgeous pair of 4 inch stilettos) I decided to finally break down and seek out one of these back-cracking experts.

I pretty much reached the point of no return with my back on my most recent trip to Alaska. Because I'm a nurse and my job often involves heavy lifting (I did mention I have a fair number of patients over 400 lbs, right?--drop the Oreos and the Ho Ho's people--you're killing me!!!) this problem has gotten worse over the past two years. I get horrible back spasms between my shoulder blades and it literally hurts to breathe when they act up. While I was up in Alaska I slept on a pillowtop mattress for 8 nights and by the end of the trip I could barely get out of bed at all in the morning anymore. I felt like I was 900 years old. Tristan tried to do the old "cross your arms over your chest and I'll stand behind you, lift you up, and crack your back" trick and I'm pretty sure almost everyone in the town of Wasilla heard me scream as he gave me my discounted version of backwoods chiropractics. Not my most brilliant idea...

So YES! Today I had my second adjustment. The receptionist asked me if I would like to go lie down on the "roller beds" while I was waiting for my turn on the cracking table (I don't know what they really call them--"cracking table" is probably not it). Roller bed? What's a roller bed? Well, she took me back to this room and there were two beds in there and she had me lie down on one of them and then turned it on and HOLY FREAKIN' BLISS, BATMAN!!! It was a bed that gently rolled up and down my spine--all the way up to my neck and all the way down my backside to my butt. I was relaxed. I had my eyes closed. I could feel myself drifting off to sleep...Aaaaahhhh.....until this other patient came into the roller bed room...and laid down on the other roller bed next to me...and then I sat there thinking, "What just happened?"...and who is this guy lying in the bed next to me?". I don't know how I feel about the group roller bed idea--but the bed itself felt amazing--until Jim Bob joined in and rained on my roller bed semi-private blissful back massaging parade. It felt really weird after that to lie there as parts of my body are bobbing up and down because of the rollers on my back and having to share that with a man I don't know. I only like people I know watching me look like I'm having modified seizures. Maybe it's just me...

Then it was my turn to get cracked. My chiropractor asked me if I'd been lifting weights all week because my back was completely "locked up". I wanted to say, "No, but I have grabbed a fair number of legs during hundreds of uterine contractions and held and pushed and grabbed patients to pull them forward as I'm grabbing their legs to help them shoot out babies...does that count?".

For those of you who are under the impression that going to the chiropractor means lying face down on a table and having some one put pressure on your spine until it cracks you are only halfway right. It's a good thing my chiropractor is a fairly good looking guy because getting an "adjustment" is much more than simple back cracking. It's up close and personal time!!! I found this out when my doctor had me lie flat on my back facing up and he grabbed my leg, put it over my other leg, then brought my legs up, grabbed me around my shoulders, and by lying the entire weight of his body down on top of me he reefed down until I sounded like someone sat on a bag of potato chips. *SNAP*CRACKLE*POP!!! "Why hello, Doctor! Very nice to meet you! I had no idea we'd be so close so quickly! What?'re not going to buy me dinner first? By the way--I will be able to move again after what you just did to me, right?".

Then it was time to adjust my neck. It just so happens that when they crack the bones in your neck that those bones are in such close proximity to your ears that you feel like you might finally land one of those little blue handicap signs to hang from your car's review mirror because rumor has it that broken necks are no bueno and after what you just heard--you're pretty sure you should have a broken neck.

Then it was time for the hips and the pelvis. As he twisted me WWF style into a braided pretzel he again applied his body weight on top of me. Again, *POP*POP*POP*!!!! So loud that I'm pretty sure homeboy on the other roller bed heard every single bone in my body crack today. And then I was finished...and I could breathe easy again. And my back actually felt pretty darn good. So I went off to yoga class...

Long story short--my chiropractic adventure has begun. Whether or not all of the weekly adjustments will fix my back--I don't know yet. However, I feel pretty good right now. Not good enough to sleep on a pillowtop mattress in Wasilla, Alaska, but good enough. ;)

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Hippity Hoppity Easter's On Its Way...NOOOooooooooo!!!!!

So, yes, The Feather Ruffler is back and in full feather ruffling force. I completely understand that my recent Facebook posting on leaving church early the Sunday before Easter because I couldn't stomach the play-by-play sermon on the crucifixion, nor the gorey video shown prior has got some people thinking I'm a huge, hypocritical, closet atheist (or at the very least--closet agnostic), potentially wannabe Mormon again jerk. However, this is why I happen to have a I can defend myself in more than 420 characters (which is all my Facebook status postings allow). And on that note, "AHEM...Mi Mi Mi Mi..." here I go.

I hate Easter. Yeah, I said it. I hate that each year there is a huge celebration of a holiday that has an entire lead-in of sermon upon sermon about beating the holy living snot out of my Savior. I know that I'm using layman's terms here, but I figured I would finally say it how I really feel about it--I DON'T DIG IT. I'M NOT DOWN WITH IT. I realize that the purpose of Jesus was to come to earth in human form and pay the debt for the sins of all mankind so that we may in fact have eternal life. I get that (kind of--or at least I'm really wanting/trying to). What I've never quite been able to wrap my head around is HOW human beings can (and continue to be) so HIDEOUS to one another (and I'm guilty of this at times so go ahead and say it, "Hello Pot, this is Kettle"), AND I also do not understand for the life of me how God works and how He could do that to His Son. I love Him, but I don't get Him. Par for the course with men in my life in general. The Big Man takes the cake in this department though.

So where is all of this bitterness towards the big "Spring Fling" coming from? I'd like to claim boredom--but I really do think I suffer from PTSD when it comes to Easter. PTSD is Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Now listen up--I am not a war vet, and my entire life didn't get swept away by a tsunami, but I still have PTSD as bad as some of those folks do...only mine is about EASTER.

WHEN I WAS A LITTLE GIRL...: When I was approximately 8 years old, my parents took me to church every Sunday. Most of the time I didn't think anything of it--it was just what we did. I didn't really mind it--it was fun to go to Sunday school and hang out with friends. That, and I loved going to the donut shop before church, which happened to be our Sunday routine--feed me a fresh apple fritter and the odds are good that I won't gripe about anything for a long time. I remember very vividly one Easter Sunday where all of the sudden everything about the crucifixion hit me like a ton of bricks. Not only did it scare me--it traumatized me. I was so hysterical with screaming and crying that my parents had to leave church. I couldn't even get out any words. Happy Easter, Mom and Dad!!!--you ruined me...and all you gave me in return were these lousy marshmallow peeps! Joking aside--I have never been the same since. I don't know why I've never been able to "recover" from my Easter experience, but I never have. I can't stand ANYTHING related to the crucifixion of Jesus. I stopped going to church for years for the entire month of March/April/May just in case I might be bombarded with more scripture about it. I can't even stand crosses--I have a handful of Catholic friends and it terrifies me to go to their church because they have what I consider to be "crosses on crack"--they are flippin' HUGE...and right in front of your face...and they have a giant Jesus on them. I have spent many-a-friends' weddings with my head bowed down and not looking up because I can't look at the giant crucifix statue in front of me. I am someone who absolutely HATES scary movies...but the crucifix is HANDS DOWN the scariest thing I have ever seen and I can't even stand to look. I can't even handle run-of-the-mill crosses...not even the Jesus-free ones. They all scare me. I won't have them in my house or wear them as jewelry. **SHIVER**Figures that I'd live in Lakewood with a view of Highway 285 that has the giant cross lit up on the hillside. Honestly, if you want to kill me--make me watch Passion of the Christ. I would literally die screaming.

THE BIG, SCARY, BLACK VELVET JESUS PICTURE: To add insult to injury of my crucifixion phobia there have been numerous instances in my life where I have been smacked upside the head with the crucifixion. I used to work at a nursing home as a certified nursing assistant prior to going up to Alaska for my degree in geology. I worked two 16-hour shifts on Saturday and Sunday and then would pick up Monday and Tuesday night shift. During the night shift it would be one nurse and two CNA's--and two wings full of mostly demented elderly people. One such elderly person had a family that decided she needed to have what is likely the SCARIEST picture I've ever seen of Jesus hanging in her room. Every time I'd have to go in that room I'd hide my eyes from that picture. This patient was hard of hearing and one night called on the call light to get up and go to the bathroom. All I could think was, "CRAP!!!! I don't want to go in that room!!!...AND CERTAINLY NOT IN THE DARK!!!!" As I slowly and quite apprehensively walked toward the entrance to her room I had a sinking feeling--like something bad was going to happen. It also just so happened that the scary black velvet Jesus picture was on the wall right where only a little sliver of light would hit it--just enough to make you want to run and hide. As I entered her room I called out to her and asked her what she needed. NO ANSWER. Again I called...NO ANSWER. I called out one last time to ask her what she needed--still NO ANSWER. As I turned and crept back out to the hall I hid my face from the scary black velvet Jesus poster and as I made it to the door I hear, "HEY!!!!!!!!!!! HEY!!!!!!!!" and I turned quickly to see this beaming scary black velvet Jesus poster and a patient sitting straight up in bed yelling at me and I literally ran out of the room with my heart racing so fast I thought it was going to explode. I thought I was going to die...

DENVER ART MUSEUM--YOU SUCK--or at least one of your artist's does: Yet another horrid experience I had was in elementary school on a field trip to the Denver Art Museum. While touring through all of the interesting paintings there was one that I thought was going to jump out at me, strangle me, and kill me. Some artist decided that it would be awesome to paint a picture of Jesus sitting in the dark, kind of looking over his shoulder with the most sorrowful/horrible/scary/crazy look on His face. Now to some, that much wouldn't be a big deal--except for the fact that His back was facing the viewer and they had literally shredded his flesh open--there was nothing there but muscle dangling off bone. All organs exposed. Skin hanging like it had been attacked by a badger. My stomach sank. I thought I felt vomit chunks crawling up into my mouth...Ugh...I couldn't handle it.

HEY AMIGO !...I HAVE A GREAT IDEA FOR THIS EASTER!!!: Do you ever watch the news and see the people in foreign countries who take Easter to an extreme? I'm not talking about the people who sit there and sob/scream/cry/pray excessively--I'm talking about the people who decide that they need SO much to feel what Jesus felt that they actually crucify themselves? I've seen snippets on the news about these people. They actually have their friends nail them to wooden crosses to the point where they are almost dead and then they finally get taken down right before they're knock knock knockin' on Heaven's door. I'm sorry--I am shaking my head even as I write this. I can't believe some of the things we do as humans to celebrate the "life of Christ". It blows my flippin' mind. Maybe they live in countries without jelly beans and Paas?

THE GODHEAD v. TRINITY: Some of you might be saying, "Huh??". Let me tell you--you are not the only one. I grew up Presbyterian. I don't pretend that everything always made sense to me biblically. I actually went through an entire phase of what some might consider being "agnostic" in my late teens/early twenties. I converted to the Mormon church in my mid-twenties. This may surprise some people, especially because I'm such a big fan of my Champagne Fridays, but it's true. I actually attribute the foundation of my relationship with God and Jesus to the Mormon church and will always be very thankful for that--the years prior to joining I had all but given up on God. I no longer attend the Mormon church. I have a ton of love in my heart for the church and for all of my friends who are Mormon--if any of you are reading this I LOVE YOU GUYS!!! However, I now attend a small baptist church locally. I'm not baptist. Part of the reason I'm hesitant to join the church is because I had a hard time picturing myself as a baptist. As a matter of fact when I lived up in Fairbanks, Alaska, it was the baptist church that would have the giant red flashy marquis that would sling hate words at the Mormon church across the street. They would literally post running weekly banners about how Mormons were going to hell, etc. I don't know--it all just seems a little silly to me. Especially knowing how much my "Christian" friends and how much my "Mormon" friends love God and Jesus Christ. I know some of you might be thinking, "HEY!...Mormons aren't Christians!!!" Well--that seems silly to me, too. Mostly because they are firm believers in Jesus Christ (which is where the word "Christian" came from--they are followers of Christ). Not only that, but they are technically called THE CHURCH OF JESUS CHRIST OF LATTER-DAY SAINTS so they have you doubters silenced just by their very name. Anyway--Godhead v. Trinity is the internal thing that bugs me on a fairly regular basis. I may be getting caught up in semantics here but it's a topic that is a big issue to me and it manifests itself quite heavily around Easter time. Why? Because the Mormon church believes in the concept of the Godhead (Father, Son, Holy Spirit--three completely separate beings that are interconnected); the Christian church believes in the Trinity (Father, Son, Holy Spirit--the three-in-one person package deal). It becomes apparent to me that even though I don't attend the Mormon church I'M STILL HALF MORMON. The concept of the Trinity makes absolutely ZERO sense to me. Even when I was listening to my pastor this previous weekend talking about Jesus being on the cross and pleading with God saying, "Father, why has Thou forsaken me?" it made absolutely NO sense to me. The Trinity states that God and Jesus are the same person--even though Jesus is technically the Son of God. Don't worry--I'm confused, too. I'm further confused by why Jesus, in all of his anguish, would be sitting there pleading with himself during all of this if indeed he was God. IT MAKES NO/ZERO/ZILCH/ZIPPO sense to me. Under the concept of the Trinity, God sent himself to earth to die for people's sins? And when he was raised from the dead he then went to sit up at the right hand of...himself??? Sorry--I am more apt to believe the word "Trinity" means that the three separate beings work together synergistically. The one-in-three person concept is just beyond my comprehension--but then again, I am blonde.

I JUST REALIZED HOW LONG THIS BLOG WAS GETTING: Indeed I just realized that I could go on all day about the various things that have happened to me that make me feel the way I do about Easter. It's not just the violent death of Jesus that bothers me--the violent death of ANYONE bothers me. I used to watch "Ripley's Believe It Or Not" with my parents and they would show tribal people who would meditate and then have people stab them and shove giant fish hooks into them and hang them from a tethered rope by the fish hooks (why? I don't know--I was little...this is all I can remember). I literally became hysterical and passed out cold. I woke up with my mom shoving my head between my knees until I was able to regain conciousness. I would never make it through The Passion of the Christ--they would have to put me in the ICU. I couldn't even handle the sermon last week in church about the crucifixion--I got up and left. I can't handle the horrible things we do to each other as humans. I understand that the purpose of Jesus was to pay our debt with His life--but I don't pretend to get that either. I have a very hard time understanding how a loving God could put someone through that. I'm also reading the book of Job right now and I can't quite understand God in that, either. The act of killing people boggles my mind--it is for this same reason I don't watch violent movies, the news, and I absolutely hate shooter video games. It all makes me sick. And the sad part it--a lot of it is considered "entertainment" which bothers me even further. I must admit that it is very hard for me to grasp my religion in its entirety at times--it becomes abundantly more clear to me every Easter how much I don't "get" things.

I'm still going to attend: All this being said, I love God...and Jesus...and I'm a big fan of the Holy Spirit. I'm still going to attend church--just not on Easter...or the week prior to Easter. I admire those of you that don't have crucifixion phobia and PTSD like I do--but I do. As I bid you farewell from the longest blog I've ever written I want to wish you all a Happy Easter. Regardless of whether or not I can handle it, I am certainly grateful for Christ and everything He has done for me. So enjoy your Passion Plays, your church services, your wiggly ham, your asparagus, marshmallow peeps, jelly beans, and robins eggs malted milk balls. I'll be back in church a week from this Sunday. ;)

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Dorf Does Yoga---And She Likes It!!!!

That's right, folks...I SURVIVED MY FIRST DAY OF YOGA CLASS!!!! Most people are probably going to, "Yo Whit, big whoop--any incense-burning, Gumby-esque, bendable hippy can do that." Only, I don't happen to be an incense-burning, Gumby-esque, bendable hippy (but my instructor was). I happen to be a very stressed out, tense, bones-locked-up-tight (according to my chiropractor) fashionista type of gal. Mind you, I exercise on a daily basis, but this whole yoga thing was a whole new ball of wax to me. Don't get me wrong...I've done Wii yoga, oh yes I have. I might have been drinking chardonnay while doing Wii yoga, but I did it. It got progressively funnier to see my center of balance with the more sips of wine I had. ;) However, to claim I'm a yoga pro because of the Wii would be like someone going on Pro Bowling because they got the sparkly EXPERT ball in Wii bowling. I'm just sayin'...

"Hi, my name is Whitney Madison, and I'm a fashion disaster..." That's what I felt like when I walked into my yoga class and realized that I was the only one not wearing a cute spandex outfit. I did have a good pedicure for exposing my bare feet, but for once that was the only part of me I wanted people to look at. "Keep your eyes off of my clothes, people--I didn't get the, "How to look cool in yoga class" memo!!!" Long story short--not only did I not feel secure because it was my first day and I walked in with my mat into a humid/heated room full of meditating seasoned yogis, but I also looked like a dork in my loose fitting tee and some yoga pants. You might be saying, "But I thought yoga pants were for yoga??!!!" did I...until I was the only kid wearing the old school ones. Nope--lycra was the order of the day. Yoga pants are apparently only for soccer moms at the grocery store these days. They just call them yoga pants because "PJs" doesn't sound quite as fashionable. Anyway, I should've been arrested by the Boulder police department for my attire--not to mention the fact that I forgot to wear Patchouli so I could be one of the cool kids (because I don't own it).

Then came the bending, and the stretching, and the reaching, and the putting my face down to the earth, and opening my heart up to the sky, and breathing like I was a crank caller on a telephone trying to do my best impression of Darth Vader. Everyone else looked so awesome. I looked like Mary Katherine Gallagher, Superstar. I didn't make the cut for the "in crowd" today, that's for sure. Unbalanced?...CHECK. Muscles shaking uncontrollably?...CHECK. Biggest dork in yoga class?...CHECK.

So, yes, I ran my needle past ridiculous on my dork meter today, but I am going back for more. Why? Because my stress level is through the roof and I need to learn how to say, "Goosfraba" more often. I think I was the only cardiac nurse who literally walked around on my unit in and out of ventricular tachycardia (a deadly heart rhythm) for over 6 months. True story. I'm lucky I didn't go into cardiac arrest (which doesn't look good when you're supposed to be saving people--not impersonating them). Not to worry though--a few yoga classes under my belt and a cardiac laser ablation later and I'm going to be saying, "Goosfraba" til the cows come home. I may look like an uncoordinated, hyperactive school girl doing it, but it will happen. This being said, I will have you know that although I may look like Mary Katherine I have NEVER crossed both my arms in an X-pattern over my chest, placed my hands in my armpits, and then pulled them out rapidly to smell them. I don't care what those people in my yoga class said I did...IT WASN'T ME. ;)

Oh, and PS--I bought cool kid yoga clothes on my way home. ;)

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Ahhhhh, Facebook...Without You I'd Probably Just Have a Normal, Boring Social Life

It is time for ten seconds of reflection on this "thing" we call "The Social Network" (thanks to the movie and a bunch of bored teenagers who made up Facebook to find hot chicks). Ahhhhh...the Facebook addiction. How did I get sucked into this social vortex, and why do I continue to be addicted and intrigued?...the world may never know.

I was one of the last of my "real" friends to join Facebook. My friend Elijah used to poke fun at me for not being on a social website--whether it be MySpace or Facebook or Twitter--this girl wasn't going to bite. Why was I so against it? Well, if you can't tell from the fact that I have a BLOG and love to write what is on my mind (usually refreshing)--some people just don't appreciate all of the garbly guck that comes out of my mug--and when you have an entire slough of Facebook friends who don't really know you--you're bound to ruffle a few feathers along the way. Yes, I Whitney M. Madison, am a feather ruffler. Surprising?...probably not to those who know me.

So back to the matter at hand. Yes, I was one of the last people to join Facebook out of my peeps and since that time it has been a ton of fun--coupled with a crap ton of headache. I wish that Facebook would get clever and come up with something other than the "Friend Request". I wish they would have subcategories like, "You Have One Snoop Request", or "You Have One I've Got Way Too Much Time on My Hands and I Want to Cyber Stalk You Request", or "I Like Cyber Bullying and I'd Like You to Be My Next Target Request" or "I Hated You in Grade School But Now You Have a Cute Haircut and Drive a BMW So Now We Can Be Friends Request". The list could go on and on. I understand that the people at facebook have been clever enough to put "ignore" buttons next to "accept" buttons on friend requests, but it is just lacking a little something something to me. It needs a bit more "zing" to it. I think the people at Facebook need me to take over their Facebook Friends Marketing Department because I can come up with clever requests all day long that people would actually find far more entertaining and truthful than the boring old vanilla Friend Request. They don't realize how much they need me on their staff.

I decided to write this blog to characterize some of the Facebook mishaps I've had along the way. Albeit a fun website to be on, it can cause a whole heap of problems that wouldn't exist otherwise. When I first joined the site I got a friend request from a girl who absolutely was the most giant pain in my backside through every single grade in school. She was a hideous booger from the day she was born. I realize her parents probably don't think this, but it's my blog and my opinion is the only one that matters here so you're going to have to take my word for it--she was a giant pile of snot. So yes, we despised each other through grade school and lo and behold who should Friend Request me in my 30's? got it...the booger bully. She hadn't changed a bit, either. I don't think they can technically call it "bullying" in your 30's anymore--they just call it "psychotic", but said booger girl Friend Requested me and I promptly hit "ignore". She ended up getting wind of this and followed me around on mutual friends status' and would leave snide comments for me on there. It was super mature. This was when my friend, Stacy, introduced me to the beauty of "The Block List" on Facebook. I have since embraced it and pride myself on the fact that my block list is growing faster than my Friends list. Why? Because there are a ton of people out there who don't belong in my business and in my life--and they never did. I write this blog because I think that I am an overachiever Facebooker--I have a lot to say, and I like to pretend that people actually care about it half the time so I constantly post on Facebook. Same reason I blog. Although there are a fair number of people who may find me witty, there are also a fair number who don't. Witty = Friends List. Critics = Block List. Simple. But I still wish there were subcategories for the Friend Requests.

Some people may see my status posts where I delight in adding cyber chlorine to my Facebook Friends pool. I really do. I love cyber chlorine day. I know it sounds kind of retarded, but it makes me feel powerful. Don't get me wrong--I know I'm not powerful--it just makes me feel powerful--like Redbull doesn't really give you wings but it makes your heart race so fast you think it's going to explode in an uplifting kind of way.

I want to dedicate an entire paragraph (I'm feeling generous) to the Facebook Lurker. Those amazing rumor mongerers who love to surf your status so they have more fat to chew. I actually know that my Friends list still contains some of these--I just can't pinpoint them at the moment so the cyber chlorine is back in locked storage for the time being. Do you ever wonder what people are doing with your information that you post? Are you the topic of dinner conversation in Topeka, Kansas because Billy Bob who you knew in third grade Friend Requested you and you accepted? You haven't spoken to Billy Bob since he tied your shoelaces together because he thought you were cute in third grade and that was his super suave way of showing it, but now he sits there in overalls with a medium-rare T-bone steak and talking about what you said in your status. Awesome. I don't really appreciate Facebook lurkers. They are one of the key reasons I clean out my friends section as often as I do. I find it flattering at times to get Friend Requests. Then I realize that those people have nothing to say to me and sit on my Facebook for months and months--well...then it's time for you to go! **grabs Facebook Friends chlorine**

I have some friends who hoard Facebook Friends. Those are the ones who have like 928 friends. Really? I don't even think that I know 928 people. I certainly know that 928 people don't know me! You ever seen that show, "Hoarding--Buried Alive" on TLC? Some people's Friend pools remind me of that. I just don't know that I'd want that many people in my business--whether it be photos, clever status posts, not-so-clever status posts--No thank you.

There are also those who I have actually tried to get to know through Facebook for the sake of other people I know. This has proven good at times and other times has been a bit on the side of STUPID. This has recently backfired on me in a huge way. Not only that, but because these people and I have mutual friends in common I can't even add them to my Block List at the risk of offending our mutual friends and causing more chaos. This has led to more people following my comments on the site and making snide remarks on my true friends status'. These are the same folks who friend requested me and then decided they didn't like what I was writing so instead of "unfriending" me they just decided to post clever Facebook status' and remarks directed at me followed by following my posts on mutual friends status' and making snide comments. Aaaaaahhhhhh. Facebook, Facebook, Facebook...what ever did I do without you? And just like that--I feel like I'm back in kindergarten!!! Only where are the cookies and my nap time? Confused yet? Me too. That's why I'm writing this blog.

There are those, however, who I adore and who are the reason I keep coming back to my Facebook. Most of the people on my Friends list are just that--my friends. I love them dearly and they make me laugh on this stupid website every day. I love seeing pics of their families, their witty comments, I love when they comment on my status or photos--it truly is a vicious cycle. **SIGH** Oh well. Guess you gotta take the good with the bad...and keep a good pool boy on hand armed with cyber chlorine. ;)