Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Beauty And The Hair Removal Beast: One Blonde Girl's Journey Through Laser Brazilian Hair Removal

So, I totally realize that some of you are like, "Oh, we go! Whitney is talking about bikini waxing on her blog...AGAIN!!!" But really, if you missed the first installment of my endorsement for the Brazilian bikini wax in my earlier blog titled, "The Thrill of Brazil--Taking The Taboo Out Of Bikini Waxing", then you can probably handle what is about to go down here.
I love my wax girl. Not like, "OMG...I totally think my wax girl is hot!!!" Her wax is hot, but I don't roll that way.
Anyway, I have been getting consistent Brazilian bikini waxings, every four weeks, for approximately the past 4 years. I've been through many waxers (the preferred title is "Cerologist"--AKA scientists of ripping your pubes out by the roots with hot wax and watching you yelp). I finally found one that was AWESOME. I've been going to her for years. We have long chats during my 45 minute wax sessions. I lie there naked, and we chat as if we're old friends having tea. It's a little weird, but definitely a sign of the times. This is normal human behavior ever since most of Hollywood went hairless and made us all feel like yetis.
I had never thought of waxing until one of my best gal pals was sitting there chatting with me during dinner one night and said, "Oh Whit! You have to get "the wax"!!! It's so freeing! No more shaving! And goodness knows I don't want my hoo ha looking like Buckwheat trying to stick his head through a coin slot! No hair for this girl! You HAVE to try it!!!"
So I did. And I never went back. Once you go bald, you can never go back. Mostly because if you did it would feel like stuffing a Sasquatch into your cute Victoria's Secret thong panties--Ewwwww! As if!!!!
"So Whitney--If you are so thrilled with your Brazilian waxings, then why are you making us read though this painful blog?"
I'm glad you asked. Hey, I'm not in this to make all of you suffer. I AM here to EDUCATE you on a little something I am now calling, "Waxing v. Laser of the Greater Brazilian Area".
I got super tired of paying a metric boatload of cash to get waxed every month. I've been hearing commercials on the radio about all these new pop-up laser hair removal centers, and I decided that, instead of waxing from now until the day I die, I was just going to annihilate the stupid monkey fluffer hairs forever. I WAS GOING TO GET THEM ZAPPED OFF, AND THEY WOULD NEVER RETURN!!!! At least that's what it said on the laser people's website.
So, I signed up. I committed to 8-12 laser treatments over the next 12-18 months. Why? Because even though waxing is a good "temporary solution" to the hair growth problem, it keeps coming back, and I will have to keep going every 4 weeks until I'm too ugly to care if there is a forest growing in my pants. That's a lot of money, honey! However, the laser?--that is a permanent solution! And it costs the same as my monthly waxings, so I decided I really wasn't losing anything by taking the plunge into Laser Land.
I had my first treatment today. I didn't think too much of it until I walked into the office and heard loud noises coming from the back rooms. It was at that time that I heard my privates start screaming in my head, "Whitney! Run away! Run while you can!!!"
I didn't run. I had signed a contract, and paid for it, so I tried to ignore the voices, and started filling out my new client paperwork.
The paperwork was interesting. Ok, it scared the living hell out of me. Burning? Blisters? Skin peeling? WHAT THE CRAP!!!!??? I had to talk myself back down. It was going to be ok. I was not going to be a giant wuss...
Wait...what is this? What is this right by the signature part? "Client will allow photographs to be taken to keep on the chart for comparison of before and after progress. These photos may be used by the company to then promote laser treatment through various forms of media." WHAT?????? ARE YOU SH*TTING ME?
Ok...FOCUS! Get a hold of yourself, girl!!!! It's just your private parts!!!! Who cares if the whole world sees them--RIGHT? Um...(still having internal conflict with this, but still faced with non-refundable payment for 8-12 laser treatments). Fine. My genitalia, is your genitalia, Laser Treatment People. Or as they say in Mexico, "Mi coño, es su coño." You'll have to look that up if you want to know what I just said, Gringo peeps.
So I signed. If you see someone's hoo ha on a billboard, and it's ugly, it was probably the lady who went before me. Just kidding. Actually, I rationalized signing my life and photo rights to my privates away by deciding that I wouldn't worry about it unless someone actually tried to come after me with a camera while I was naked. I'm mean, really--I'm not the first person to get a laser Brazilian, so their photo album is probably already full, right?
So into the office I went. The first thing I saw was a GIANT machine that looked like it had one of those high power pressure washer guns they have at do-it-yourself car washes lying on top of it. I was like, "Holy that a semi-automatic?" I felt like crossing my legs and hopping out the door.
However, reluctantly, I took my skirt off. I got my half-naked self up onto the chair that was lined with that crunchy paper, and covered up with the giant paper napkin that they gave me. They even gave me the option of wearing paper underwear, but I decided that was just way too kinky, and too much to process with everything else going on. They could just deal with me going commando. On top of the paper napkin were some huge, green, thick-lensed glasses that I had to put on.
So here's where the mental picture stands. Me. Half naked. Crunchy paper under my bum. Giant paper towel on lap. Protective eyewear that makes me look like a huge fly. Giant gun waiting to blast pubic hairs lying on top of machine next to my head. And I'm paying for this. Awesome.
My laser person walked in. I don't know what you call them. Maybe we should just call her the "Pube Ablater". She asked if I had any questions. I said, "Yes...DOES IT HURT?" (cuz it sounds HORRIBLE from the waiting room!!!!!). She told me that it was actually only mildly painful. Then she showed me some little hose on the pube laser shooter thingymabobber that blows ice cold air on you while they obliterate your hair folicles with the laser beam. Sweet. I feel much better now. NOT!!!!
I was in too deep. I had committed. I had to go through with it.
I removed my life-sized Brawny paper towel, and closed my eyes with my giant bug glasses on. I grabbed both sides of the chair. And she began...
I felt like I was half naked and getting ready to blast off the launch pad into outer space--only, I didn't have any pants on. It was awkward.
It's getting hot in here.Why does it smell like there's a campfire? Is anyone else getting hot in here?
I felt like my hoo ha had hit a bug zapper. It was electrifying. The weird part was, there were some zaps that I barely felt, and others where I felt like a puppy who had just been shot in the butt with a paintball gun (**YIPE!!**). All of the sudden, all of those pictures of the horrible things they wrote in the "side effects" on the entry paperwork came to mind. Blisters. **ZAP!** Burns. **ZAP!** Peeling skin. **ZAP!** OMG...I'm going to need a hoo ha transplant after I get done here. My "thing" is going to look like Freddy Krueger's face!!! I've just cooked my crotch!!!!
I was too scared to look down. Besides--my giant bug glasses would've fallen off my tiny pinhead, and then I'd probably need new eyeballs, too.
Then came the next part. They come at you with their semi-automatic lightsaber from the backside, too. They put their bug zapper in my bum!!!
 Great. Now I need a new arse, too.
But then, in a flash (ok--50 flashes), IT WAS DONE! 10 minutes, start to finish! Beat the crap out of lying there for 45 minutes for the hot wax! AND I SURVIVED!!!! Bonus! And everything looked like it did before the chick came after me with the gun and the campfire smell started! I didn't see anything out of the ordinary--it looked like my normal privates! Wooo-Hoooooo!!!!!
Scary? Yes. Painful? At times. Humiliating? If you are shy about being naked in front of strangers with laser guns--YES. Worth it? Not sure. Since it takes 8-12 visits, I will not know. However, because I have a blog, and nothing is off limits on here--
However, cost-wise, and getting a permanent solution to this unwanted hair thing is worth it in my opinion. 
If it works, I will subject more body parts next!!! I would love to stop shaving my legs! On average it takes me 20-30 minutes to shower, so I would cut that time in half and be able to live more life, right? ;)

No comments:

Post a Comment