Wednesday, September 21, 2011

What In-The-Living-Crap Is The Purpose of a Pergola?

The Pergola. What is the point of this ridiculous object? Is this what lumberjacks build when they get bored with leftover wood? Is it the trend of people who once adored Lincoln Logs? What is this thing?

I don't think the idea of a pergola would bother me so much if it actually served SOME purpose. Does it keep rain out? Nope. Does it keep seagulls from from crapping on your head? Nope. Does it shelter you from excessive sunlight? Again, Nope. Wait...then there is the Divine question--was God just looking for a huge wood cheese grater that He commissioned you to build for Him in your backyard?...um...again...NOPE.

Why do all the high-end homes have these? They serve NO purpose whatsoever--other than to give you a striped tan. Do you see the fan hanging from the middle of this picture? What the hell sort of air was it circulating? There is no confined space to even feel a breeze! The only breeze you're creating is for your neighbors while simultaneously contributing to global warming!...and your neighbors aren't even contributing to your electric bill. You're fanning them for free!

I'm sorry. I live in Colorado. There's a lot of rich mountain snot here. Doesn't matter that we are a bunch of white people running around at high altitude in the skin cancer capitol of the world. Now we'll be the skin cancer champs by making porch covers that don't...well..cover jack squat (see how good I am for watching my mouth?...although I did say hell a few times--but it's a noun...just a place).

The Pergola. More useless crap that we humans can eventually toss into a landfill. I don't know why this ridiculous structure frustrates me so much. Maybe it's because it sounds like a gondola for cats (Purr-gola)--which is just as ridiculous, but I should invent it so rich, snobby people can build it on their back porch to give their cats a scenic tour.

11 comments:

  1. They're great for growing semi-noxious ivy...

    ReplyDelete
  2. THANK YOU, thank you, thank you. My thoughts exactly. A pergola makes no sense at all unless it's covered with vines for shade. Why the heck not just put a ROOF on the columns and get some real use out of the structure?

    ReplyDelete
  3. LOL! I was just thinking about the purpose of a pergola just now and did a google search. Whats the purpose of a pergola and behold found your blog. LOL! Priceless.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes!!!! that was exactly how I felt!

      Delete
  4. Ha Ha thank you also, i wondered if we had been missing out, clearly not. thank you for explaining.

    ReplyDelete
  5. It's aesthetically pleasing design-wise, but that's kind of about it. At my house, we got one on the porch out back last year added, but put a corrugated plexi-glass-type roof on top of the structure, so it looks nice AND does something.

    ReplyDelete
  6. It's aesthetically pleasing design-wise, but that's kind of about it. At my house, we got one on the porch out back last year added, but put a corrugated plexi-glass-type roof on top of the structure, so it looks nice AND does something.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Hilarious!!! Love the post on this pointless pieces of wood

    ReplyDelete
  8. Thank goodness I'm not the only one who finds these things silly. I don't even find them aesthetically appealing. I've heard people say, "It defines an outdoor space." At my house, the outdoor space is defined as "the space that isn't indoors." And I did it for free! At the house I grew up in, we had structures that provided about as much protection from sun and rain as a "pergola." They were called "trees."

    ReplyDelete
  9. I recently rented a home that included one installed into the concrete of the back porch over a hot tub making it even more bizarre since it served no purpose at all let alone one related to a hot tub!

    ReplyDelete
  10. I don't know you. I found this by accident while pondering the same question.
    I'm now annoyed that I'm only just discovering your blog.
    Thank you for brightening my day.

    ReplyDelete