Monday, July 1, 2013

Please Tell Me That Now I Have Seen Everything, Cuz I Can't Handle Much More...

So, I really am the kind of person who doesn't like to get up in everybody's business about how they should live their lives, but there are times that my job makes me spew out a few random, rather large, "WTF's??!!" to the world.
I try to filter my F-bombs, but there are times when they fly all willy-nilly on their own--as if they were propelled out of my mug like a 2-liter bottle of soda that somebody shook the crap out of and then opened the cap really fast.
Today's topic? Are you sure? You really want me to write it on here? Well, I'm going to, but mostly because I'm just so disturbed, and feeling the need to wash my eyeballs out with bleach that I had to write a blog about it.
Some of you are like, "Oh crap, she's going all porno-baby on us!" Well, no, I'm not, but sometimes in the medical field I get thrust (no pun intended) into circumstances that I am ill-prepared for.
I've heard of the Bradley Method, the Natural Method, the Epidural Method, The "Kick Your Significant Other In The Nuts" Method--of childbirth. All are fine by me. If your baby daddy is a real tool, I might be tempted to have a go at his groin with my own pair of Danskos (patient advocacy has always been my area of expertise). I had not, however, heard of the "Orgasmic Method" of childbirth...until recently.
I am usually fine with whatever people want during childbirth. However, if you put me in a situation where I am subjected to watch a very poor, wet, sloppy reenactment of how this blessed event occurred in an effort to get your baby born, I am going to feel a little less than thrilled. My enthusiasm will be rather underwhelming.
So why is this method around? I don't know. I told my fellow nurses one day after hearing about this orgasmic method of childbirth, that I could reflect back on my own childbirthing experiences, and never once do I remember thinking during a contraction, gripping the siderails of the bed, and feeling like somebody had slammed my uterus in a car door hinge, "Damn, you know?... I think I'm horny!!!"
I read some literature. I refrained from looking at Google images regarding this method--I mean, heck, I get to live it for free at work these days, and for WAY too little money. I am a scientist, and I get wanting to go all scientific about how the same hormones/endorphins are released during childbirth that there are in having the "Big O", so by causing yourself to have the "Big O" during childbirth supposedly makes it less painful.
Well guess what's not less painful?--the stinging of my eyeballs after watching people have sloppy birthing sex. I don't remember ever reading in my job description that watching birthing porn was a requirement. I mean, really, isn't that what they have home births for, and birthing centers? We kick it old school at the hospitals! We're not granola-eating hippies! We'll sit your fuzzy but on a birthing ball and watch you bounce up and down until the cows come home, but COME ON, PEOPLE! Not only that, but I can't hand your sweet baby to you with any amount of sincerity on my face after seeing that garbage. And just for the record--I might puke on your kid.
I'm sure I'll get snarky people who read this, who have had the "Big O" birth, and are like, "You are so judgemental, and SO against people doing things "Nature's way"!" I'm totally not against doing things nature's way, but I am not all about having to watch people have crazy caveman sex on their precious baby's birthday. Like I said, I just don't get paid enough for that.
I'm all about using methods to alleviate pain during childbirth, and as a nurse, I will go the extra mile to make sure my patients are as comfortable as possible. I will, however, use conventional methods to do such. You want IV Fentanyl? I'll push it--I'll push it real good. You want an epidural? I'll get somebody there in a flash to nail you from behind. However, I draw the line at somebody having to get off in front of me to blast their baby out of their uterus. Everybody has limits, and I just found mine.
As far as I know, all other crazy things involving childbirth, and postpartum are game, and I will support my laboring people with whatever they want. You want to eat your placenta?--I'll try to find a good recipe/blender for you. You want to have a "Lotus Birth" and carry your baby's dried up placenta/umbilical cord in a fanny pack that is still attached to your child until it shrivels up and falls off "naturally"?--I'm your girl. Whatevs. The only thing I am not willing to do is lose my lunch so you can experience the Funky Cold Medina method of childbirth.
Please tell me that now I really have seen everything...

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