Monday, October 4, 2010

When Did Parenting Get to be So Much Stinkin' Fun?


It was a cold, blustery night. January 1, 1992. I had just been through 28 hours of excruciating, exhausting labor. I was lying in my hospital bed on the mom/baby ward at Littleton Adventist Hospital, fast asleep with a little bassinet lying next to me. Suddenly I was awakened by the soft cry of my baby girl. I jolted up and to the bedside. I immediately had tears welling up in my eyes from the pain I felt post-childbirth trauma. I tried to console my daughter by putting a pacifier in her mouth. She spit it out and cried louder. I rubbed her little back. She cried harder still. I picked her up out of her bassinet and held her close--and I started to cry. We were both sobbing. I could barely see her through all the tears pouring out of my eyes. There I was, a scared, stupid teenager with this beautiful little girl in my hands. I held her up and looked at her little face and remember saying, "I am so sorry...I don't know what to do with you." **insert sound of record player needle scratching across the surface of a record** FAST FORWARD 18 YEARS: So the beautiful baby girl I just told you about is now a beautiful 18 year old teenager. She has given me periodic heart attacks throughout my life, but last night I thought I might just have a myocardial infarction that would be enough to guarantee that I will get that pink mausoleum I have requested to be buried in much sooner rather than later. Paige bought earrings a couple of weeks ago that are used for "gauging". If you are not familiar with this hideous trend, please examine the lovely picture in Exhibit A which is located at the top of this page in the left corner. Yes. That lovely piece of dangling flesh is what my daughter had decided to start striving to achieve. The trend is to just keep sticking larger gauge earrings in your ears until the skin becomes so stretched out that it's a huge hole. Now--I'm not a prude when it comes to expressing yourself through body jewelry. I myself express deep love and affection for my football team, the Philadelphia Eagles, through a green rhinestone belly button ring. However, tattoos can be removed, and so can piercings--gauged ears?...not so much. Paige assured me that she wasn't going to go big with her gauged ears. Little consolation for a mother who spent 9 months of her life trying to get her daughter to come out looking normal. Last night I noticed that she had stuck larger gauged earrings in her ears. I immediately lost my mind. I yelled at her and said, "What on earth is the matter with you? Are you crazy--or just stupid? What makes you think that this is remotely pretty or ok? If you want to do weird, tribal-looking crap to your body then I'll sew a plate in your mouth, or give you neck rings to elongate your neck so you can look like a giraffe! I'll make you look like one of the natives straight off the pages of National Geographic Magazine! Might as well! That's how stupid you're going to look once your ears are saggy and look like the butt of an elephant hanging off the side of your head! Why would you want to make your ears look like someone shot holes in your head? Get those stupid things out of your ears and if I ever see them in there again I will rip them out myself and then you'll really have holes in your head!" Ahem. Yes...I lost it. I never thought that when I held up my sweet precious child on that blustery day in 1992 that I would be sitting here in 2010 trying to convince her that gauged ears are the stupidest thing I've ever seen. When did this parenting thing get to be so much stinkin' fun?

7 comments:

  1. Oh my! The things I have to look forward to... Audri is only 10, but she has already started pushing these buttons.

    PS - I agree with you... even if Paige doesn't. Hopefully she'll see the light quickly, before she actually does something permanent to her ears!

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  2. I so do not understand those. Now granted, I'm the most un-hip 25 year old on the planet..but still. This reminds me of my friend's wedding. The groom had a fake diamond earring in that was bigger than the bride's ring. Ugh.

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  3. Gauges are just like piercings, they can be closed up. Now, I will admit that I do not have personal experience with a gauged ears, but I have been considering them. It is a hole in your ear and your body can still heal itself, just like normal 20 gauge holes can be closed. The picture that you have found is of a particularly odd shaped and it looks like the one of the photographs includes a ripped ear. Rips happen when people go too fast in their progression of sizes. I would ask her what gauge she wants to go to and look it up. I would also make her do some research on some rips and blow outs, but I do not think that I would shut down this avenue of expression completely to her. I cannot explain it, but I really like the look of a gauged ear on most people, as long as the gauge is below 00, and so I understand her desire.

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  4. As long as it is above a 0ga it will still heal back down if done right and actually stretched ears below a 10ga will not look too much bigger than a regular ear piercing (which is usually an 18ga). I would at least give her the chance, because unless she's planning on going beyond a 00ga it will be fine in the end. My 8ga will be too tight if I take it out one night and try to put it in the next night, so they definitely heal up. Just make sure that she takes care of whatever she wants to do to her body! But that's just my two cents, and she's your daughter. :)

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  5. I think that the more you shield your child, the more effed up she will become. My parents smothered me and I turned into a hellish monster xD;;

    Anyways, I am currently gauging my ears (I am twenty), and if you take good care of them, they can grow back to normal, as long as she doesn't go to the point of no return.

    I don't think that you should have freaked out so much about it, she will most likely want to do something crazier now just because she can lol

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  6. I'm 18, 19 next month, and have been gauging my ears since I was 13. Due to colorguard, I had to take them out every football season and completely start over. I have never gone past, and don't plan to, a 0, and my ears heal up perfectly every time. Granted, when I go to put them back in I can easily start at an 8g, they look completely normal.

    As mentioned, have her look up rips and blowouts, because that will at least make her think about taking it slowly AND how far she wants to go.

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  7. having gauged ears for more than ten years now i would recomend that you encourage her to use light jewelry such as acrylic rings and organic wood as well as always making sure her ears are completely healed befor putting anything silicone in them dont worry mom they make flesh colored plugs ( for when you want ther to look normal with the fam and stuff and above all get her some vitamin e oil to rub on her ears frequently for some its a fad for some it becomes a part of who they are whatever she decides wouldnt you rather her do it safetly and be able to come to you if she thinks she might have hurt herself with a tiny rip or something try not to stress to much as long as she does it slowly carefully and with the right materials it most likely will not be life/apearance changing forever!

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