Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Can You Hear Me Now?...Cuz I'm a Little P.O.'d at You, Verizon.

I have been with Verizon Wireless since I lived on the East Coast, just outside the Philadelphia area. When I was on the East Coast, the service was great. Throw in a move back to Colorado, and a bunch of mountains and now I can honestly say, "NOT SO MUCH".

 My service sucks. I live on the side of a mountain and I drop every phone call I make/receive AT LEAST 3 times. It's very frustrating--especially since I'm in a long distance, phone-based relationship with a man in Alaska (of all places). It's a problem. It's also starting to affect my mental stability. To this day I'm am super stunned that I haven't actually launched my droid, in true Michael Vick/Tim Tebow (for you donkey fans), into the wall at full speed after one of these dropped calls that occur at super inopportune times. It makes me hostile and very grumpy.

Another thing that blows goats and other small barnyard animals is that I have a droid. I hate it. It constantly chokes up on me, and the touchscreen is so small that, as I said on Facebook, a flipping oompa loompa couldn't text properly on it. And don't even get me started with my autocorrect spelling feature on the stupid thing. It has made me look like a complete idiot on numerous occasions--and NO...I can't figure out how to shut it off because my Droid manual is the most ridiculous, pathetic, waste of a user manual ever. It's like Droid for Dummies--only they forgot to include any relevant information about how the phone actually works in it.

At the end of my rope, and ready to make my leap FROM Verizon TO AT&T and FROM the stupid Droid TO the brilliant iPhone 4S, I walked into the Verizon store to cancel my service last week. However, to my surprise, my contract doesn't expire until June. June? Frickin' JUNE? I will certainly be hauled off in a white coat that has arms that tie in the back by that time. Of course, the people performing customer service at Verizon wanted to help "troubleshoot" my unhappiness with Verizon Wireless, so they asked me to come up to the counter and tell them all of my troubles.

I wish they would actually set up the "gripe desk" at Verizon like a shrink's office. It would feel much better if I could go in there, stretch out on a couch, and start releasing all of my wireless frustration while my customer service agent sat in a chair next to me and took notes. Instead, they sent me this guy who looked like Geeky McGeekyPants of Dorkville to "fix" my problem. Only he didn't fix anything. He just sucked an hour out of my life and crushed my dreams of being released from my contract with Verizon Wireless.

My encounter went a little something like this--and BTW...there are three people in this conversation below, the Verizon guy (V is for Verizon Guy), me (W is for Whitney), and me with Tourettes Syndrome (this is what I wanted to say had I not been able to actually control myself and if I could actually speak my mind about what I was really thinking (TSW is for Tourettes Syndrome Whitney):

Verizon: "Let me look up on my computer why you're dropping so many calls. I show an "abnormally large" amount of dropped calls on your account.

Whitney: Yes, this is why I'm wanting to switch to AT&T. For $100/month I should actually be able to use my phone.

Verizon: "I'm showing that your home is actually located in what we call "a pocket".

Tourettes Syndrome Whitney: "A pocket? What the hell is a pocket? And why is there one on your network? The dude in the commercial on TV never said, "Can you hear me now? Can you hear me now? Can you hear me now?...NO?...it's cuz I'm in a flipping pocket!!!"

V: If you'll come over here, Miss, you'll see that where your home is located is actually a "problem area" for our service. We've had a lot of complaints coming from there.

W: "Really? And nobody has done anything about it? How can you keep customers locked into their contracts if you can't provide them proper service?"

V: "Well, what I can do is try to troubleshoot specifically which tower is giving you the trouble."

W: "That would be great."

TSW: "I'm still switching to AT&T after this--BTW...your fingernails are way too long for a man."

V: "Ah ha! Here it is. So let me write this tower number down for you. Then what I need you to do is go home, and call this 1-800 number and tell them that you're dropping a bunch of calls and that you need them to troubleshoot what is wrong with tower 0005596834QRT."

TSW: "He's kidding me, right? What...The...Bleep!!!??"

W: "Is there a reason why you can't call them right now and let them know that your tower is messed up?"

V: "Yes, we cannot call them from here...you have to do it from your phone, at your home."

TSW: "So let me get this straight...YOU ARE VERIZON WIRELESS, BUT YOU CAN'T CALL VERIZON WIRELESS? What's the matter?...will your call drop, too? Is it illegal to call the higher ups? Is it like screwing with The Great and Powerful Oz or something?"

W: "So you want me to call your company and tell them what you already know--that your tower isn't working properly? You do realize I will probably drop their call 3 or 4 times and will never actually be able to fully accomplish my complaint, right?"

V: "Well, that's the best that we can do."

W: "So you won't let me out of my contract even though you have a computer that says I live in a "pocket" and I don't get proper service?"

V: "We can't cancel your contract because of that. The computer technically says that the service in that area is "fair".

TSW: "I wish I could flick this man in the forehead right now. Is he kidding me? He has a record of all my dropped calls and now he's trying to tell me that I can't get out of my contract because the same flipping computer tells him that my service in that area is technically "FAIR"!!!??? My head is about to explode. I'm going to be arrested by a mall cop on a Segway scooter because this man is about to be tackled--only I'll have to be careful cuz he'll probably scream like a little girl and put his hands up to stop my flying body as it soars through the air at him to ninja body slam him and he'll stab me with his hugely long fingernails."

W: "So even though I am "technically" unable to use my phone because I'm in a "pocket" you still won't let me out of my contract. AND you want me to contact your store and tell them that tower 0005596834QRT is all sorts of screwed up?"

V: "Yes, ma'am."

W: "Thanks for all your help."

TSW: "Gag. Hack. Splutter. LIAR!!! You don't want to thank him! You want to tell him where to shove tower #0005596834QRT!!!"


So what have we learned from all of this?

**We have learned that negotiating your way out of a wireless contract is an exercise in futility.

**We've learned that if you want Verizon to get something done, you have to do it yourself.

**We've learned that men who work at Verizon need to take a short course in how to properly manicure their fingernails.
** We've also learned that the guy on the Verizon Wireless commercial is full of crap because I CAN'T HEAR YOU NOW CUZ MY FLIPPING PHONE DOESN'T WORK IN YOUR "POCKET".

**We've learned that it's going to be another 6 months before I actually get my iPhone and am able to switch to AT&T without having to pay through the nose for it.

**We've learned that my Droid might die a very painful death as it is heaved against a wall after my next dropped phone call.

**We've also learned that I may need therapy after all of this--at the very least, some retail therapy.

On behalf of me, myself, and Tourettes Syndrome Whitney, I'd just like to say, "Verizon Wireless, YOU SUCK." And now it's on my blog for all the world to see. Ok...well for a few people to see at least. HOORUMPF!

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