Saturday, January 26, 2013

My New Rule For Dating

The past few weeks have been very interesting for me. The prospect of dating new people has somehow become a bit intriguing, and exciting to me. I think I'm on the verge of heading in that direction and may accept a couple of invites for dates. With this, however, has also come some serious reflection about how to actually go about choosing people I should, or should not date (I'm very picky).
Some of you might be like, "Dude, it's not that hard. Do your hair, put something on that isn't too "Renee Zellweger in Jerry Maguire", and go out with some random man for food so you can stuff your face, and keep your mouth busy in case the conversation goes south. Nuff said."
Well doesn't that sound just easy and fabulous? (I'm lying)
Dating is very overwhelming for me. I have not been on a real or normal date in about 15 years. I was married for 8 years, and dated the Cute Alaskan Man for 4 years, but prior to that, I think it had been about another 2-3 years since I had gone on an actual DATE. I'm a rookie. So what do I do now?
After serious thought (about 20 seconds worth in my car on the drive home this morning from work), and reflections on current potential suitors, I decided on one thing in particular. I have decided to revert back to second grade and start weeding out potential dates by pairing my first name with the potential date's last name.
"But Whitney!--you said you didn't want to get married again! If you pair first name with his last name it will sound like you want to marry him!!!"
This is not the case. I have, however, decided that if any man is even going to stand a chance of surviving a dating relationship with me that he has to have a last name that isn't going to make my first name look stupid--ever. And this still has nothing to do with marriage. I know you must be confused as to why I would start axing men off the date list due to last name, but here is how I feel about it...
Let me give you an example of suitable suitor last names paired with mine:
Whitney Harbaugh (see--it has a nice ring to it...a Super Bowl ring)
Whitney Manning
Whitney Robertson (of the Duck Dynasty Robertsons)
Now let me give you an example of a guy with a last name who would be cut from my dating list immediately:
Whitney Butkis
Do you see my point? We can keep playing this game...
Whitney Levine
Whitney Dingledorf
This list can go on and on and on, but you get my point. I realize that some of you think I'm pretty shallow for going about cleaning out my dating pool this way, but it just seems like a good way to go about it for me. And some of you probably still think it does have to do with marriage, but it doesn't. I NEVER want to be known as the girl that is dating Richard Dingledorf, or "Dingledorf's girl". Nope. Nope. Nope.
Just to give you a head's up, here are some other people I will never put myself in the position to be:
I'm never going to be Mrs. Richard Chopp
I'm never going to be Mrs. Clifton Dumfarht
I'm never going to be Mrs. Juang Takeashita
I'm never going to be Mrs. Phat Ho
It just isn't going to happen. I'VE BEEN THROUGH THIS BEFORE! I used to date this guy back in highschool who had the last name of Peepers. Really? Really. I could've saved myself the trouble of even dating him because I would never in a million years have EVER agreed to be Whitney Peepers. And I'm lucky he was not the father of my son, Beau, because then I would've had Little Beau Peepers.
Not. Gonna. Happen.
So yes, NEW RULES! The very first step in getting back into the dating game is going to be for me to play The Name Game.
Who knows...I may end up as Mrs. Whitney Mele Kalikimaka someday. Has a nice ring to it, don't you think?

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