Monday, January 7, 2013

You have to love modern times. You can end relationships and adjust one little setting on Facebook and all of the sudden...THE WHOLE WORLD KNOWS ABOUT IT!!!
I know some of you probably saw my Facebook relationship status change today and thought, "Oh Whitney, you have broken up so many times with this man...can't even keep count. Just looking forward to the next status you post that you're "IN A RELATIONSHIP" again with the Cute Alaskan Man."
That would be fabulous. I would look forward to that post...if it wasn't something that neither of us needed. So what's the deal here? Why am I writing a blog about this? WELL HOLY CRAP!--how can you keep from telling the same story hundreds of times?...WRITE A BLOG ABOUT IT!!!!
I do not want to minimize or cheapen anything that I might be going through, or that the Cute Alaskan Man might be going through with respect to our (final) breakup. There are probably multiple reasons why we will both be in pretty bad shape for a good long while. Why? Because when you love somebody, that is what happens after you let them go.
"Well why in the hell did you let him go then, Whitney?"
Pretty simple answer. Because I love him. I finally have achieved loving somebody so much that I am incapable of being selfish. It's a weird, depressing, and euphoric reality when you reach this point. It's like Red Bull, on Prozac, on coffee, on some other sort of downer I have no experience with.
Anyone out there know what it's like to be in a long distance relationship for years?...with someone you LOVE...who you have known FOREVER, and who has been your best friend since you can't even remember when? If not then shut your trap. You have no say here. The bumpy ups and downs, the multiple Facebook relationship status have no say because you can't fathom what has gone on (since JANUARY 3, 2009) for the Cute Alaskan Man and myself.
So listen up a little. I'm only going to say it once so I don't have to repeat it a bazillion times. Mkay? Mkay.
I (kind of) get marriage. There seem to be two extremes of people I know in marriage. People who are SO entirely, blissfully happy, that they can't ever fathom their lives without the other person...and the other 60+% who say, "What the crap did I get myself into?" and "Holy crap...I can't live the rest of my life like this...LET ME OUT!!!!"
That being said, and as someone who has actually gone through a divorce in the past (for reason number two up there), I am not someone who is ready to just jump into marriage again with blinders on. I DO believe that love is blind. You can convince yourself of anything under the guise of love. But there is something that should trump love, and that is HONESTY. Some people would argue this (saying that the greatest of these if love), but you might lose if you fight me on it. Honesty can trump love. As it just did in my relationship. Love without honesty is...well..not super sweet.
So here is the long and short of it.
I adore Tristan. I always have. I never dated him in college, but he was a huge part of my life. Not many people can fathom what I went through to obtain a college education, but Tristan can. Why? Because he was the first one to listen to my frustrations, my gripes, my groans, my heartache with respect to my family. HE KNOWS ME. Down to the core. He knows how hard I have worked to overcome obstacles in life. To go above and beyond. He knows how hard I work right now. My current gripes/groans (apparently they never end). He knows.
I also know him. I know more about him than maybe anyone ever will. Why? Because we were always friends. The relationship changed things a bit, but the core remained the same.
Again, I'm sure there are some questions as to how things could end if all this stuff were in place. I will tell you (a little).
This is a beautiful man. A man who is patient. A man who is kind. This guy does stuff that blows my freakin' mind to help other people out. It has been a HUGE struggle for us to bring our two worlds together. He has never failed me during that process. Even when we couldn't make them mesh, he always cushioned the blow.
After many years, and many, many, many, many discussions about where we should head next, we finally reached a conclusion. And this is what it looked like.
Tristan is a homebody. He loves his town. He loves his family. He is everything that represents Palmer, Alaska. And that is not a bad thing. I have been accused by his friends that I think I am too good for that town, and the people in it. But I am not. It is just a culture shock for me, and has proven more than I can handle at times.
That being said, it is a beautiful town, and a beautiful life. He built an entire life up there--including a house. A house built for a family (not mine). You have to understand...this house was designed, by the two of us,  and at a time when I was SO incredibly sick. This man saw me through one of the worst illnesses of my life. A huge surgery. A huge recovery. We sat in a hospital room making these house plans.
The house is beautiful. But it has a different purpose now. This house is amazing. And it will be amazing when Tristan has a family to occupy it. And I am finally okay with the fact that it is not for me, or my family. Alaska is not going to be my home. How could it be? Holy crap!!!!! I'm a Hawaii girl!!!
The other night, Tristan and I sat down to talk. We've both been feeling it. About six months ago, I finally realized that I didn't want to be married again. This worked out well since our relationship wasn't going anywhere fast--we had proven that after nearly four years. The only thing I failed to realize?...HONESTY.
Tristan is an amazing man. He is so calm. So patient. So caring. He loves kids. He WANTS kids (of his own). I can't give him that. I've been a mother for 21 years...and I'm still not very good at it, but I've been a mother for more than half my life, and I'm just not willing to bring more kiddos into the world. We joke all the time about it, but there is reality at the base of it...I'm not that good with kids. I've already made a pact not to date a man with kids...ever...because I don't want to ruin his kids, too. It's bad enough I've had 4 kids of my own to ruin. There will be no "Brady Bunch-ing" of families here.
But he DESERVES that opportunity. We aren't getting any younger, and now is the time to make that whole Alaskan dream come true...with someone that doesn't want to live in Hawaii.
So what happens to me? For the longest time I've had one goal. Some people dream about Prince Charming. I dream about the Hawaiian Islands. I love the ocean. I love the peace and perspective that it brings. I know it sounds strange to a lot of people, but all I want is to move to Hawaii. And I won't let anything get in the way of that. I'm also a princess, so if I meet some man who says, "Whitney, I am here for you. I want to satisfy your every dream... AND we're moving to Hawaii in 7 years!!" then I might consider dating him. If not?...good luck, Homeslice.
I dropped Tristan off at the airport today. Prior to leaving my house we sat there hugging. We held hands. We kissed. We told each other how much we loved one another. We told my kids that they would not be seeing him again. He hugged me, and my kids. He kissed me goodbye on the cheek at the airport and said to me, "You will always be one of my best friends, Whit."
It doesn't get much better than that.

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