Monday, November 28, 2011

Bah Humbug! A Case of the Christmas Blah-Dee Blah Blahs...

It's that time of year again. How come Christmas seems to come so fast? When I was a kid it seemed like it took forever. Now that I have to pay for all my gifts it comes at warp speed. I think the Universe is messing with my head--and my wallet.

I've been at work at the hospital through most of the chaos of Thanksgiving and Black Friday. I saw the circulars lying on one of our tables, and the plethora of crap you could buy for your loved ones this Christmas--anything from kitchen appliances, to footie PJs, to bras and underwear. Really? Seriously, if anyone buys me a rice cooker and gives me a pair of Underoos for Christmas they are going to never hear the end of it. I also saw an ad with photos of the cute matching sweaters for the whole family to wear so they can look like clones (wasn't that popular in the 80s?). Ugh.

I don't know why, but each year I get more and more put off by the hype and craziness that the holiday season brings. It's kind of sad because when I was a kid I was a total Christmas girl and loved every minute of it. Now I feel like I have to shop online or else I'll get tossed around like a pinball at the mall. And apparently it's not PC to pepper spray people just because they try to kill you while you're holiday shopping. Homegirl in California who pepper sprayed a bunch of people to get to the front of the line at WalMart is finding that out the hard way.  And it was WalMart for crap's sake--if you're going to get busted for going crazy then upgrade your crazy to like Macy's or Tiffany for goodness sake.

There are also all of the crazy Christmas commercials out again. Dorky chicks getting excited because KMart brought layaway back. Kay Jewelers making sure everyone knows that "every kiss begins with Kay". Overly enthusiastic women yelling, "He went to Jared!". And don't even get me started on that Target Lady. I won't lie--I'd love to have a whack at her with a broom. She freaks me out. As a matter of fact, if I didn't actually need to purchase things at Target then I might stop shopping there altogether just because of their lame, freaky Christmas marketing campaign. I think they should make a Target Lady voodoo doll, except the thing would probably come alive like that clown in Poltergeist and haul you under the bed and beat the snot out of you in the middle of the night. Eeeek!

Don't get me wrong--I love Christmas. I love decorating my house for Christmas. I don't mind wrapping Christmas presents other than the fact that contorting my body to cut wrapping paper, and tape, etc. often makes me feel like I need a trip to the chiropractor. My home is cozy, and amazing during the holidays. I spend hours in the dark with just my white Christmas tree lights on catching up on my holiday faves like "It's a Wonderful Life", "Celtic Woman", and my girlie fluff movies like, "The Holiday". I'm a girl, I admit it. I like romantic garbage sometimes. I'm not proud of it, but I do. My kids also catch up on all their Christmas shows--the ones I'm too mean to let them watch during any other time of year. They watch Rudolph, and Frosty, and some weird movie called "Nestor the Christmas Donkey" that was made by the same people who made Rudolph. I usually try to workout on my treadmill downstairs during those times. Those movies are kind of dorky, but they love them.

This is probably the last year my twins are going to believe in Santa. It's sad, but it will be good at the same time. I can't tell you how many times I've told them not to have super high expectations for tons of Christmas presents and how many times they've said, "Don't worry, mom!...we'll just ask Santa!" Yeeeeeaaaahhhhh...that's a problem. See, "Santa" got to find out how much fun it was last year to get the twins two American Girl dolls ($$$$$$$) and provide wardrobes for the dolls ($$$$$$). Each doll outfit cost $30-$45. Good thing they were on Santa's (my) dime (gag*hack*splutter). I will miss how innocent the girls are when they say that, but I won't miss putting Christmas finances in perspective for them in the future. This coming spring they are going to Kauai with me for spring break to learn how to surf. They are not getting a whole lot under the tree other than luggage, iPods, surf gear, and beach towels--and hopefully I can find all of it online so I don't get maimed in the stores. My oldest daughter (20 years old) is easiest to shop for. Her birthday is January 1st so she gets two gifts from Tiffany & CO--one for Christmas, one for birthday. I should've just given birth to 20 year olds--it is less complicated than having those little kids, and sometimes cheaper. Of course, I'd probably be walking kind of funny and people would keep asking me if I lost my horse because I'd be chronically bowlegged. That Duggar lady might think I was ok-looking though.
I am kind of scared that my holiday spirit is going to plummet into the toilet by the time I'm super old. As someone who works in nursing, and done a fair bit with the geriatric population in healthcare, I have a theory that Christmas actually kills people. It's true. Every year we have a an exorbitant amount of people peace out before Christmas, or on Christmas. If I'm this tired of being plinked around like a pinball in the mall in my 30s, then I'll probably be one of those old people who times my death right around the middle of December. It will probably tick my family off, too. They'll have to drop their eggnog to arrange my burial in my pink mausoleum that I've requested. That is, assuming they don't take on the perspective of my ex-husband who used to tell me that the illegal dumping fee to toss me in a ditch would be way cheaper and seemed like a better option than having to put me up in my elaborate pink death hut. Of course he was joking when he said this, but all good comedy is based in reality to some extent.

Hopefully my Christmas blahs will get better as time goes on. What I truly look forward to in my life is having a palm tree out in my front yard that has Christmas lights on it, and me wearing flip flops with a santa hat and a bikini. That's all I really want for Christmas. Well...that and a beach house. And a convertible. And a mai tai (or two). See how low maintenance I am?

 Alright all you Grinchless, Black Friday-loving, holiday crazed people--get out there and enjoy the crazy for me. I'll catch you on the flip side. ;)

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