My daughter actually tagged me in a post on Facebook today that had this video. First of all--let me warn you--there is some colorful language in here. If you have virgin ears, you might want to look elsewhere for your entertainment today. However, as someone who works in labor and delivery, I couldn't pass up the chance to write a blog on this.
Here are the directions for this blog:
STEP 1: WATCH THE VIDEO BEFORE YOU READ ANYMORE OF MY BLOG
STEP 2: GO BACK TO STEP 1 AND DO WHAT YOU ARE TOLD TO DO BEFORE YOU READ THE REST OF THIS BLOG.
STEP 3: QUIT BEING A REBELLIOUS WEIRDO TRYING TO GET OUT OF YOUR HOMEWORK--ORDER OF OPERATIONS IS IMPERATIVE HERE, PEOPLE, NOW WATCH THE VIDEO.
Did you watch it?
Yes?----> You may pass go, collect $200, and read the rest of this blog.
No?-->You are a pain butt, and it's clear that I can't control your behavior, so read on and only be slightly entertained. See if I care...
Sometimes people amp up the "gentle" and "caring" during a time when a woman is "in a delicate condition" during pregnancy. However, I work in labor and delivery with these "delicate women", and with the right amount of pain in labor, they are frickin' honey badgers who will MESS. YOU. THE. HELL. UP.
These are the same "delicate women" who have grabbed me around my neck to strangle me during contractions, squeezed my hand so tight and hard during labor that I thought they broke it, called me names that I don't even think I can Google, have bitten me, punched me, kicked me, slapped me, and whom I've had to restrain so they don't knock out the doctor who is in between their legs trying to deliver their baby while they are physically/verbally accosting him/her and sound, quite literally, like they need an exorcism.
It's not that I don't understand pregnancy, labor, and delivery--I've had four children of my own, including a set of twins, so I know how good a 9 cm dilated cervix with no epidural feels like while (in my case) two humans tried to fight their way out of my southern exit at nearly the same time. It's like that scene in Braveheart where they disemboweled him in front of the huge crowd while he was strung up by ropes. That is labor and delivery. Everyone in the room is cheering, you want to kill all of them, your baby is trying to kill you, and you feel like you're exploding into 450,000,000 gooey, gross, bloody, disgusting pieces. One more thing to thank God for when we all get to heaven.
THIS VIDEO
We all have pregnancy stories. We all like to freak other pregnant women out with our pregnancy stories. I don't know why everyone only likes to tell you the bad stuff. I hear this time and time again from my patients who have actually had relatively normal deliveries. It's like a right of passage. Even those "normal delivery" women have to eventually make up something horrible so they can tell their poor, unsuspecting, first-time pregnant friends all about it, and keep them in mental torment for 9 months.
FIRST TIME PREGOS TAKE NOTE: DO NOT invite women to your baby shower who already have had kids. They are brutal bitches who only want to hurt you emotionally with their poorly recollected, and often times fabricated stories. Like this video says--you aren't going to remember how horrible it is, which is why we end up with multiple babies, and why I am gainfully employed as a labor and delivery nurse!!! I swore each child I had dropped my IQ by 10 points. It's called "Postpartum Retardation"--it's a real thing!!! Besides, those women already have kids, so they probably don't have the mental focus, or the funds to get you the posh baby shower gifts you really deserve. Just sayin'. Time to find some new friends who have never had an occupied uterus!!!
Now that we have hit a couple of things, this is where I like to interject my critique of this (brilliant and very accurate) video.
First of all, her name is Wine Mom. Right out of the gate, I like her. This is the first video I've ever seen from the Wine Mom, but my mom was also a wine mom, I'm a wine mom, my 25-year old daughter drinks wine, and because of it, she will eventually become a wine mom, and I have two future wine moms (my twin girls) who graduate highschool in 2020, and who better not become wine people, or wine moms until I tell them it's OK.
**IN THIS VIDEO**
(The Best And Worst Parts Of Pregnancy)
TOPIC 1: PREGNANCY GLOW
LIES! LIES! LIES!!! Actually, for me, I was glowing a little with my last pregnancy, because I was living on the east coast during what would be the hottest summer in history. I would wake up daily to temperatures of 105-112F, with 100% humidity. It was horrible. I would've had to have had no sweat glands to avoid a glow.
I hated being pregnant. I am a horrible pregnant lady. The day I actually got sterilized was one of the happiest days of my life.
First of all, I'm a pregnancy puker. I puke. and I puke. And I just keep puking when I'm pregnant. Doesn't matter what trimester it is. As a matter of fact, when I was pregnant with the twins, I slept in the bathroom on the floor. I brought my pillow in for the night and everything. My husband and I were watching the Winter Olympics during this time, and I'd have to run and puke in between each figure skating performance, or skier. My (now ex) husband got so frustrated with not being able to do anything about my puking, that he actually yelled at me while I had my face in the toilet, and said, "What the hell is wrong with you?!?!?"
Don't make me repeat my response to him. Apparently, the inner honey badger can come out during pregnancy, too.
The point is, I only glowed from sweat, or barfing. It sucked. I hated it. NO MORE BABIES...EVER!!!
TOPIC 2: WEIRD CRAVINGS DURING PREGNANCY
This IS a real thing. I've actually only had ONE of these weird cravings, but it WAS weird. We'll get to that in a moment.
I have to ask admission questions to all of my inpatients when they are on labor and delivery. One of the admission questions is, "Do you have a normal diet, and have you been craving any non-food substances while pregnant?"
A lot of times, people DO ask me if that is a real thing--IT IS. Some examples I throw out when they need further information is, "Do you feel like eating laundry detergent, clay, chalk, lightbulbs, sniffing glue, nail polish, or the smell of gasoline?
DING DING DING---the last one--my winner!!!!
OMG--during my pregnancy I CRAVED THE SMELL OF GASOLINE!!!!! It was so bad that I actually looked forward to running low on gas and got excited about days I got to fill up my car. I also had to ban myself from being anywhere near the car while it was filling up. If I could've stuck my nose in the gas tank hole, I WOULD HAVE.
I think my kids came out OK. Maybe. Depends on the day. However, one of my twins always says to me, "Mom, I really LOVE the smell of gasoline." Yep. The little acorn doesn't fall far from the caustic, deadly tree on that one...
TOPIC 3: BREAST ENLARGEMENT WITH PREGNANCY AND BREASTFEEDING:
I'm not going to spend much time on this subject, because we all know that our chests balloon into the size of every man's dream during pregnancy and lactation. Although the sheer size can be sexy, there were times I never felt more unattractive with my Dolly Parton jugs--especially with the twins.
Maybe it had something to do with me sitting on the couch with a giant Boppy pillow on steroids (nursing pillow specifically made for twins so you could feed them simultaneously), two babes facing head-to-head on my chest, and being so busy feeding them that my husband had to feed me a Philly cheesesteak sandwich while I held onto them for dear life. It was a group effort, for sure, but Baywatch sexy???--not so much for this kid. I'm happy with my normal size chest these days--even living in L.A. Keep your water balloons, ladies.
TOPIC 4: WEIRD TOUCHING DURING PREGNANCY
I see this happen all the time to people, and it is actually illegal, and punishable by law in some states right now. Why people feel like they need to touch another woman's pregnant belly (unless it's offered) is beyond me. I don't remember if that happened in my first two pregnancies--those are a complete blur. However, there was some of that going on when I was pregnant with the twins--mostly with people at church, so at least they were religious weirdos who semi-knew me peripherally on Sundays.
I did, however, have some people say some rude things to me during pregnancy with the twins. I only gained 35 lbs with that pregnancy. I was carrying fraternal twins, so I had two babies, two bags of water, and two placentas in me. The twins were 7 lbs and 7lbs 2oz at birth, and I basically lost about 34.5lbs on the delivery table (we were in the OR--just in case they needed to do a C-section...which they did not, but we always deliver multiples in the OR).
Towards the end of the pregnancy, you could not tell I was pregnant from looking at my back. However, when I turned sideways, I looked like one half of the Goodyear Blimp had relocated to my midrif. I look like I swallowed a Zeppelin.
Because of this, it was impossible to find clothing that would cover my belly properly. When I was home, I wore my husband's sports shorts (rolled down and under my waist), and a sports bra--and that is it. I had ONE shirt that I could wear out into public by the end, and even that one was held so far off my belly that I always had a nice draft blowing up my shirt at all times. The shirt was workin' hard--it was more like a parachute. During that time, I had a lady come up to me in the Laura Ashley store in Greenville, Delaware, and say, "Please tell me that there is more than one baby in there."
Really? What if there hadn't been?!? So rude. I should've walked up to her after and been like, "You should lay off the creme puffs, and the hamburgers, lady. Lookin' a little pudgy, my friend."
TOPIC 5: WEIRD DREAMS DURING PREGNANCY
It is very true that some of your most vivid dreams happen when you are pregnant. Unlike the Wine Mom, I didn't have any weird dreams about having sex with Judge Judy, or any other women for that matter, but I did have a very scary-ass dream about being a killer whale trainer at Sea World. I was in the tank, and Shamu took off from one end of the tank, picked me up with his face, swam me back across the tank, and launched me a million feet in the air off his nose. It was at this time that I woke up screaming in terror.
I felt everything. I felt the water, the wetsuit, and I felt that frickin' giant orca launch me into oblivion. Pregnancy dreams are crazy.
TOPIC 6: PREGNANCY SEX
I don't want to spend too much time on this topic, either. I'm pretty private about the subject of sex to begin with, but it's become clear to me, after years of working in labor and delivery, that a lot of people are not very particular about sex to begin with. Believe me, I've seen some weird stuff, ANYONE CAN MAKE A BABY, and have walked out of a few delivery rooms wondering how this blessed child was even created. Then I am weirdly forced to think about it (by sheer circumstance in front of me) and I want to puke, die, rip my brain and eyeballs out, stomp on both, put them in a meat grinder, gag, hack, splutter, and then I have to regroup before I can successfully finish helping them bring their precious child into the world.
The only thing I want to add to this portion is that, if the Wine Mom thought pregnancy sex was like having sex with one watermelon strapped between her and her husband. Try strapping two watermelons between the two of you, and let me know how that works for you. Enough said. I can't go beyond that with triplets, Kate Plus 8, or Octomom. That's just where you just have to close the door on your man until after your 6-week check up...end of story.
TOPIC 7: MEMORY LOSS
It is crazy to me that women simply can't remember pregnancy, labor, and delivery well enough to NEVER DO IT AGAIN. I would say that about 90% of my patients tell me during labor that they are never going to have another child. Yet they become repeat offenders on labor and delivery like everyone else. Not to mention the drop in IQ after each baby. It's a real thing. It doesn't go away. So grab wine, and enjoy the crazy ride!!!
:) CHEERS :)
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