Monday, June 27, 2011

And They Lived Happily Ever After…At Least That Was The Hypothesis

It happened. My fairytale relationship with my Cute Alaskan Man came to a conclusion. And not the, “Let’s take a few weeks off, we’ll realize how miserable we are without one another, and get back together” conclusion. Nope…the “stick a fork in it—it’s done” conclusion. We’ve broken up before, but every time we get back together nothing changes—and we break up again. It’s sucky, and stupid, but true. We have been perpetually "stuck" in stagnant mode for a year and a half.

After knowing each other for 14+ years, and dating for nearly three of those years, I finally concluded that, although I despise Beyonce, she had it right with the whole, “If you like it then you should’ve put a ring on it” thing. If that song is now stuck in your head I apologize.  Don’t worry—it makes me hostile and grumpy, too. I'm not a Beyonce fan.

Most people break up and spend the entire day in bed sobbing their eyes out (assuming they weren’t thrilled to get rid of their mate--which I wasn't). Then they roll out of bed long enough to grab the Bon Bons out of the freezer and hop right back into their duvet-covered, relationship-grieving, Sleep Number grave. I won’t lie—I did have a moment like this today. I got up this morning, grabbed the Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups and my Diet Pepsi, and went back to bed. Now don’t peg me as being just like the depressed Bon Bon-eater-breaker-upper person. I actually get up every morning of my life and head straight for the chocolate and Diet Pepsi—this is my norm. I don’t normally take them back to bed with me, so this is where I could tell I wasn’t feeling very good about the situation this morning. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. The sadness took over. And my eyeballs were bloodshot from crying last night and into this morning. I had all the super unreasonable thoughts going through my head that rejected people who go through breakups think. There was the “My Life sucks” thought; the “I’m never going to find another man who will love me the way he did” thought; the “Oh great—now they’re going to start bombarding my Facebook page with ads for singles because I changed my Facebook status to SINGLE” thought; the “I look like holy hell this morning—no wonder I don’t have a boyfriend anymore” thought; the “I’m going to end up a single, bitter, man-hater, old maid like Kate Gosselin, only TLC won’t even give me a TV show because I only have 4 kids instead of 8 or 20 kids like Kate and those Duggar people, and I’d have to change my name to Elanor so it could be “Elanor Plus Four” because Whitney doesn’t even rhyme with four!!!” thought—yeah, I was a little pathetic…I won’t lie. Sorry—I get hysterical in run-on sentences in my head sometimes and they translate into actual text on my blog.

Anywho—amidst the sea of pathetic-ness that I was drowning in this morning, I got a phone call. I had just said a prayer to God and said, “My life is in Your hands—I will go where you want me to go.” Well Lo and Behold—on the other end of the phone I heard, “Aloha, Whitney!”. OMG…it was Paradise Vacations, returning my phone call about the trip to Maui I had decided to try to book after my relationship dumpster dived into the toilet yesterday. Sometimes I find the timing of things in this life to be quite spooky.

Needless to say, my trip got booked. 2 nights in Seattle and 7 nights in Maui--alone. This is the first exotic vacation I’ve taken by myself—ever. Some of you might be saying, “An exotic vacation alone?...who does that?” I does that. See, when I fell in love with Tristan it was LONG before he fell in love with me. Granted, he had known me for years. Some of those years I was married (no, those weren’t the “I’m in love with Tristan” years—I was a VERY dedicated wife). However, Tristan and I never dated back in college--we were just good friends. After my divorce in 2008 he was the only man I had on my mind. I loved him before I ever kissed him. I was convinced that he was my Prince Charming and that I had bypassed the most amazing man in the world in college. If he had asked me after the very first date to marry him I would’ve absolutely said, “YES.” I was whipped from the get-go. It’s very hard to be in a relationship that is THAT lopsided.  Don’t get me wrong, I never doubted that he loved me—he just didn’t know how to juggle me from 3,000 miles away, plus his wanting to build a house in Alaska, loving his job, family, and friends up in Alaska, and the most recent sucker punch I took—he bought a boat up there…which is fine but it’s one more thing to build a life up there, 3,000 miles away from me and solidify the fact that I’m in a go-nowhere relationship. It didn’t work for me anymore. You can’t have your cake and eat it, too. If there is no compromise and sacrifice in relationships then things don’t work. I completely understand that he has a good thing going up in Alaska, and I don't begrudge him that—but if I don’t fit into that picture then it just is what it is. Time to put on my hiking stilettos...

Anyway, I read an article in a magazine once where Jennifer Aniston took a tropical vacation by herself after she got kicked in the teeth by Brad Pitt. It sounded amazing. I told Tristan after his very first trip to Colorado that if we didn’t end up making it I was going to take myself to Maui to rehabilitate from the disappointment and heartbreak. I was going to pull an “Aniston” and go hang out in my bikini all by myself. So I’m going to do just that—July 24th-August 2nd. Signed. Sealed. Delivered. I’ve got plane tickets, a condo, hotel rooms in Seattle, and a car. I will be listening to “Two Pina Coladas” by Garth Brooks on my iPod and living it up with my pedicured toes and Brazilian bikini waxed butt in the sand come the end of July. I call it “relationship rehab”. 

There is a guy at my church who has a son who lives in Kihei on Maui. He tried to set me up with him a while back, but I was dating Tristan. I decided to finally take him up on the offer to contact him. My girlfriend today said, “Oh great! So from one long distance relationship to another!” to which I replied, “NO. Although I must say I have a knack for acquiring men in the 49th and 50th states!!!” No—it will be nice to have a local contact on this trip and someone who knows where a nice place to grab a drink is—AND THAT’S ALL. I’m done having a relationship that requires a telephone stuck to my head more than it does lips stuck to my mouth.

If you need me I’ll be sipping pina coladas on my balcony that overlooks the ocean in beautiful Maui. And THAT my friends, is how you heal a broken heart. **KA-chow**Z-Snap*


  1. So happy for you, the aniston thing, not the break up thing

  2. I'm shocked! I hope it all works out for you. Have a wonderful trip to Maui! I don't understand why a guy wouldn't treat you like a God and make it all work. You're a 10! - Higgins