Sunday, June 26, 2011

"Just A Few Things I Will Never Understand-, By Whitney"-From Bluetooths to Pantyhose...The Whitney 411

First of all--let me just start off by saying, "I'm a blonde." I confess my blondness. I am fairly well educated. I have two degrees in science, and I have a job that actually requires me to save lives from time-to-time. However, there are always going to be things in this life I do not understand.

I started to reflect upon my "lack of knowledge" regarding random things I don't understand in this life today. Please view the above photo. Although the "Hoe Down Hotties" above are from the 1970s, what the heck is up with couples who intentionally MATCH their clothing? I drove by a house today and saw a husband and wife in khaki shorts with matching aquamarine tees. They looked like Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumette. I'm sure they were a super nice couple, but WHAT MAKES PEOPLE DO THIS? Is it like you're in adult summer day camp and you're worried you might lose your spouse? Do you coordinate outfits to go to Home Depot on the weekend, and in case your husband gets lost in the lawn mower section you'll know how to spot him and save him? I don't get it. However, I especially like his shirt--bilateral plaid man boob pockets. Tres sexy. :

Back in college, my best friend was going on a trip to Anchorage, Alaska with her boyfriend. I adore this girl, and she is going to kill me for writing this. However, one night while we were in our dorm room, her then dorky boyfriend came upstairs to "check" on her packing progress. He actually got mad at her for packing clothing in a certain colored suitcase because they didn't match his. What? How does this happen? My gal pal never did end up color coordinating her luggage with her boyfriend's. Eventually he ditched her and ran off with his best friend, George. **SHOCKING** (PS I **heart you** LB)

What else don't I understand?....

Pantyhose with open-toed shoes. When did this become ok? I've seen so many people do this, and it is an utter fashion disaster. It looks like wannabe sexy toes poking through mucous membranes. I don't care if you have a seamless toe, or a full-on hemline on your pantyhose toes. It's just WRONG. I do agree that lycra makes your thighs look amazing, but if they can come up with friggin' Toe Shoes then they can't come up with "Toes Hose"--lycra to form fit every toe on pantyhose. Make me a millionaire right now for my idea--and PS I just now copyrighted that name. And where did the name "pantyhose" come from? Sounds like you're trying to put out a fire with your unmentionables.

The Bluetooth headset. Why is it called that? First of all, most of them aren't blue.. Second, when did it become normal to have a tooth in your ear? Why did they not listen to me when I voted to call it what it really is--a cell phone hearing aid? The concept of the bluetooth freaks me out. Anything to do with the concept of a mouth touching an ear freaks me out. I hate things touching my ears. I'm like Warren from the movie "There's Something About Mary"--you know...the big guy who wore the earmuffs who would freak out and kick the crap out of anyone who touched his ears or his earmuffs? That's totally me. My kids think it's funny to freak me out by hugging me and breathing heavily in my ear. My boyfriend was joking around with me one day and actually thought it would be funny to pin me down, and give me a "tongue wet willy" in my ear just to see how much it would make me scream. I screamed--then I had to refrain from kicking him in the crotch and punching him between the eyes. To say the least, I'm not a big fan of the "slug in the ear" feeling. You other weirdos can get turned on by it. Oh, and PS-- Keep your Bluetooth (a.k.a. cell phone hearing aid). The only thing allowed in my ears are Q-tips. True story. Call me a prude.

This will be a continuous segment on my blog. There are many things I don't understand in this world. The above are just the tip of the iceberg (today...randomly). It's going to be similar to the Saturday Night Live segment, "Deep Thoughts, By Jack Handy". Only it's going to be called, "Just a Few Things I Will Never Understand, By Whitney".

You don't have to get it--just laugh. Then move on...

1 comment:

  1. A woman foot using stockings or pantyhose is something wonderful. Magnific!