Friday, May 6, 2011

Hi Ho The Dairy O The Cheese Stands Alone: A Little Blog about Being The Outsider In My Yoga Class Today

I had the day off today. I had lofty goals of going to the chiropractor (which I did), attending a  yoga session (which I did), and to hunt down the new coconut latte at Starbucks (which I did not).

Ugh. It sucks to be the new kid in yoga class. If you saw my previous post from the first yoga class I ever attended you would understand that yoga makes me feel like a huge dork. I usually inhale when the yogi tells me to exhale, exhale when he tells me to inhale, and collapse from sheer exhaustion at least 5 times per class. Everyone else looks amazing--like delicate ballerinas. Then there's me. And to make it worse I have to stand in front of an entire wall of mirrors while I'm doing my poses. You think driver's license photos are bad--wait until you see Whitney in the yoga studio trying to do the "pigeon" pose. And don't even get me started on the "happy baby" pose. It makes me feel like a cheap hooker in a leotard inviting the entire universe to examine my hoo ha.

Today I had a yoga instructor I've never had before. A guy. A yoga guy? New concept for me. I showed up a couple of minutes late for class. Normally I try to be in the back of the class. This is so when somebody tells me to do the "reverse windmill into warrior pose" I can look at others and try to do what they are doing before I twist myself into a pretzel. DENIED. Apparently Fridays are busy days in Yoga Land. I got stuck up front like the nerdy kid in class. The nerdy kid who doesn't know how to do yoga. So NOW I have to look in the mirror to see what the people behind me are doing--which is great when you are trying to balance on one leg and reach your arms up to the sky. I felt like a Weeble--I was definitely wobbling BUT I DIDN'T FALL DOWN!

So then yogi homeboy had us all line up against the wall in the back of the studio. We were supposed to work on our handstand poses for the next 7 minutes. It was a sea of spandex and flying legs as all of my fellow yoga peeps began to invert themselves. There was no room left against the wall so I decided to forego my attempt at utter humiliation. The yoga instructor pointed out that there was a sliver of space in between two people and told me to "go for it". Instead I decided to sit on my mat. All alone. In the middle of the studio. No fellow yoga friends around me because they were all upside down on the wall. However, I avoided a lawsuit by choosing to be all by myself as I am sure I would've accidentally kicked the crap out of one of them with my serious lack of coordination combined with my 6.5 inches of space that I was allotted.

To make me feel like even more of a total loser, he then had us practice poses that involved one arm and the opposite leg--the other arm and leg lifted up off the mat and in the air. Ever try to hold a push-up pose with one arm and one leg? Man alive--I'm a huge wimp. I ate yoga mat a few times today. Magically delicious.

The moral of the story is I'm going back to my Wednesday yoga class. If I'm going to look like a dork then I want plenty of my own space in the back of the classroom to do it. Not only that, but the Wednesday girl doesn't make me stand on my head or break my nose by trying to be a one-armed, one-legged superhero.

I need some icy hot, a heating pad, and a sangria swirl margarita.

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