Monday, May 16, 2011

Summertime, Summertime, Sum-Sum-Summertime: Time For A Little Summer Fun (I know it's not "summer" yet, but it's been raining for days so I'm going to warm up with a summer blog)

SUMMER: That magical time of year when we all get to warm up and start wearing clothing that doesn't make us look like woolly mammoths. I was not ready for last summer to end, so you can only imagine how excited I am for this summer to begin. It will be a matter of weeks until I plan on being poolside on a daily basis and until I have a herd of wet, bikini and swim short-laden teenagers and kids running through my house--AND I LOVE EVERY MINUTE OF IT. Now if it would just quit raining, we'd be in good shape.

What fun would Blah-dee Blah Blah Blah-dee Blah Blah Blog be if I didn't give some fun pictorials of summer fun and popular gardening decorations? (this is where you say, "Why absolutely no fun at all, Whitney!!!" and this is where I say, "Well alrighty then!")

The lawn gnome--apparently popular enough to make an entire movie revolving around this little character. I happen to be a big fan of them--though please don't mistake this "love" as meaning I'm actually an owner of such a thing. Not the case. However, I do enjoy all the different versions of lawn gnomes available--and here is why...

Lawn gnomes come in all sorts of fun configurations. Take Marty McBootycheeks here. He is showing us his fuzzy butt while simultaneously defying the laws of gravity right next to the petunia bed. He does have rather large feet. You know what they say about men with big feet, right? "Big feet...Big Beard."
(see--get your mind out of the gutter)

This is one of my faves--the sexy pose is almost too much--and he's smoking a pipe so it must have been good. Only question is--did he remove his tight leather vest and red cap for the action? I think we should name him, "Sven". Sven Higalo Lawn Gnome Gigolo .

This lawn gnome is obviously married...or at the very least, engaged. Either that or he held up the Quick-E-Mart for a 5-hour Energy drink and a box of Runts.

Oh my. Cover your eyes kids. This garden gnome has me perplexed. The lower half looks like a guy, and then the face looks like a chick with a beard. Apparently He/She is enjoying the lily pad though. And the red banana hammock is the bomb (or is it a clam hammock...the world may never know).

"Heidi Ho, Floppy!!!! AWAY!!!!" I actually have a friend who has a rabbit infestation in their neighborhood right now. Their neighbors were out "cleaning up the evidence" from offing some of these poor little bunnies because they were eating their garden. I should call PETA and stage an intervention or else all the lawn gnomes in that neighborhood are going to lose their mode of transportation.'s just not as hot when it's human.

Apparently lawn gnomes have a temperamental side to them and the flamingos are the ones picking up the tab for it.

And apparently a very psychotic and violent side to them. Can you imagine the photographer who actually staged this photo? I can picture his wife coming into the kitchen and saying, "Now Martin, why on earth are you shoving my good steak knives into my lawn flamingos?" I like how the head is just lying there. Looks like a pink version of the "Aflac" duck.

I like this one. I might get one when I move to Maui. Every lawn shark needs a good home.

Mmmmmm. Can you imagine going shopping for this? I can just picture walking up to the kid in the orange vest at Home Depot and saying, "Um, can you tell me what aisle you carry the ceramic nose-picking gargoyles in? B-5? Sweet!" I must say, he does look pretty excited about spelunking in his nostrils. He's roto rootering out his garden boogers. Silly gargoyle--that's what garden weasels are for.

Awwww....I get to kiss him first! Back off, ladies!!!

I like this guy, but he keeps smoking all my grass.

"And Bernadette and Harry could never figure out why the neighbors wouldn't come over for Barbecue Fridays on the terrace..." (Can I get a "What the crap is this?"...amen. I wonder where they disposed of the rest of the body once they took the teeth)

"Jim Bob, sweetie, would you go see what's making all that commotion out in the garden? It sounds like it's coming from somewhere between the mums and the rhododendrons."
THE GARDEN ZOMBIE--all the cool kids have one.

Bras...they're not just for holding the girls up anymore.

Awwww. Rex and Millie finally found good use for the toidies after their recent bathroom renovation. I hear they  make their own fertilizer, too. Way to go green, Rex and Millie!

"Man down!" Make sure you are taking proper safety precautions this summer while out enjoying you activities. Once these kids actually opened their eyes I'm sure they were looking at each other like, "Where's mommy?"

"Ok, I believe you. It really does run away like a scared turtle when it gets cold!"

These little tikes are relaxing on the shore while mommy and daddy are off at their "Responsible Parenting 101" course. They came out with new literature for the course this year called, "How to Pickle Your Child's Liver Before the Age of 10".

Classy. The Thong Triplets were compensated for their modelling. They received a free lifetime's worth of Pez for their hard work.

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that a man likely sculpted this.

Remember to throw caution to the wind as you enjoy your summer activities.

And to make sure your shorts aren't so tight that your belly jelly is flopping over the top.

And enjoy decorating your lawn and garden...

And do it up Jersey Style. Don't forget your SPF 45 though. There are no prizes for winning the Melanoma Olympics, ya hear?

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