Tuesday, May 10, 2011

"Pardon Me, Miss, But Would You Care For Chards Of Glass With Your Merlot Tonight?": Why Tired Blonde Girls Should Be Banned From The Freezer Sometimes

I have a lot of blonde moments. I'm not afraid to admit it, and let's face it, if I deny them I will only look more stupid. It really depends on the day, but these moments can be isolated incidences, or they can come in droves. Some of you know that I'm a nurse. A lot of my blonde moments happen after "long days at the office". Today was no exception.

Setting the scene: I've been up since 4:30 a.m. and I worked 12.5 hours at the hospital. It was a busy day. Numerous times throughout the day I thought to myself, "Boy, it sure will be nice to kick up my feet and enjoy a glass of wine tonight". I was uber thrilled, too, because I had purchased a brand new, untapped bottle of merlot just last evening. I got home, removed my shiny, red "There's No Place Like Home, Auntie Em!" Dansko clogs from my feet, removed my jacket, and decided to open the freezer to start some dinner--and experienced a moment of horrible terror...

I don't like warm wine. I know some people are staunch believers that some wines need to be chilled and that others are delicious at room temperature. Inclined to formulate my own opinion, as I often am, I like them all chilled...but I don't own a wine fridge. Sometimes after I purchase a bottle of wine I will place it in my fridge to chill it--that is, assuming I have hours to achieve the correct temperature before consumption. Other times I will use my freezer to achieve "chilled" wine much quicker. This is all great, fine, and dandy and has saved me a ton of money that would've otherwise been spent on a wine fridge. However, it only works great if you REMEMBER THAT YOU PUT THE WINE IN THE FREEZER!!!! If you do not remember, and if you leave the wine for enough hours (or overnight as was the case with my most recent bottle of merlot), something quite scientific happens--THE LIQUID EXPANDS AS IT FREEZES AND THE WHOLE DANG BOTTLE EXPLODES!!! It's most unfortunate--especially when you've just gotten home from work and anticipate a lovely glass of wine, only to find it's a gigantic wine bottle shaped popsicle with chards of glass and a pathetic cork embedded in it in your freezer.

It would be nice if this was an isolated incident, but I've blown up a crap ton of beverages in my day by using my "fast chill" method of beverage cooling while simultaneously forgetting that I'm cooling the beverages. I've exploded Diet Pepsi, Miller Lite, Gatorade, bottles of water, and many many other things. I do have my moments of acting like I'm playing the leading actress in "50 First Dates". It usually sounds like this when I open my freezer and realize what I've done, "DOH!"; and then the next time, "DOH!"; and the next time, "DOH!" and the next time, "Sheeeeeee-oooooooot!" (see--you thought I was going to say, "DOH!" but I switch over to expletives if it's a really good beverage--like my beloved merlot)

So back to the liquor store I went tonight. I rarely, if ever, go two nights in a row unless I'm throwing a party. I told my sad story of exploding wine to the gentleman who owns the liquor shop and he about fell over laughing at me. Hopefully he wasn't just humoring me and thinking in the back of his mind, "Holy cow--what a raging alcoholic. Figures she'd use the "I left my wine in the freezer and it exploded" story!!!" cuz I'd be really bummed.

So yes, here I sit, blah-dee blah blah blogging away as my new bottle of wine is in the freezer chilling. NO, I did not clean out the frozen, exploded merlot and the chards of glass from my freezer yet. I'm tired. The odds of me pulling another blonde move, slicing my tired hand open on the glass, and having to make a trip to the emergency room for stitches is huge. I simply placed the new bottle in the freezer next to what was left of its exploded comrade and I'm just gonna let them reconnect spiritually for a little while until ideal temperature is achieved.

PS I'm pretty sure the guy at the liquor store was laughing so hard because he was thinking, "THIS IS AWESOME!!! I'll be rich if this idiot keeps this up!"

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