Friday, May 6, 2011

The Mom Jean: It's Not Just For Nerds and Squares Anymore (yes it is...)

And as Romeo ran his fingers through her tight, curly, football-shaped, Aqua Net secured hair he softly stated, "You are amazing. You make me feel like I've never felt before. I think Katy Perry took the words out of my mouth when she said, "Gonna get my heart racing in your skin tight jeans". Your skin tight mom jeans..."
Mom jeans...even Jessica Simpson is doing it. Fashion trends are amazing. Do you remember when the "boyfriend jean" first came out? Or the "relaxed fit" jean? Or the buttcrack-bearing, super low rise, show the world your tramp stamp jean that gave every mom-wannabe-teen-again a giant muffin top as her post-childbearing tummy cupcaked over the top? I don't know. I'm thinking that even low riding,  baggy pants dropping, Marky Mark jeans rival this pant that Ms. Simpson has chosen. Remember that episode of "Friends" when Joey was at Thanksgiving and wanted to gorge himself on food so he borrowed Phoebe's maternity pants she wore when she  prego with the triplets so he could have pants large enough to "eat himself into". These pants remind me of those. I love how they accentuate her uterus (OMG...that's two blog posts in a week where I've written the word, "uterus"). She doesn't even have kids so it's not fair that she's flaunting her "mother's gut" like that...what a poser. However, what fun is being a blonde, ditzy, multi-million dollar rock star if you can't sport camel toe periodically...

There are no points for stuffing as much of your flubber as possible into a pair of jeans. I think some people are over achievers. The belt that is cinching everything is just plain unhealthy. Nurse Whitney disapproves of the way this woman is compromising her circulatory system. No wonder there's a pooch! With a belt that tight there is NO WAY that any venous blood can be returned up to the heart. She is probably light headed all the time because all of her blood is pooling in her legs and feet. Notice how the right hand is placed firmly on the right groin--the belt has obviously caused a hernia.

There are rules when it comes to mom jeans. First of all--the hands-down winners in most mom jeans pageants are those people who really go all out and decide to add in the elastic waistband (I've seen judges award as much as 10 extra points for this shady move). One of the most important rules of wearing mom jeans is that the top of the waistline has to brush up against the bottom of the bra line. If the belly button is exposed in any way this can be looked at as a half-hearted attempt to be in the mom jeans "in crowd".

Put your hands in the air, and wave 'em like you just don't care! You ladies are rockin' it. Or are you playing "London Bridge is Falling Down" and you're just trying to fool me? I must say--adding a peg leg or the clam digger look by bringing the length up on the mom jean is a look that really works well for a lot of people. Especially if you add a white canvas Ked, or some type of orthopedic Hush Puppies.

HOORAY!!! I found mom jeans in PINK! And I'm a bird! (with knee pads)

"Ok, Whitney--stop it. All you are doing is showing us old people in mom jeans. Not everybody looks bad in them." See...I knew you would be saying this so I included the "hot chick in mom jeans picture" just to prove to you that I am right, and you are wrong. Nobody...not even Kate Middleton or Cindy Crawford would look good in mom jeans. I must say--the suspenders add a nice touch. It only counts if you put novelty buttons on them though. She need at least 20 pieces of flair if she's going to pull this look off. She is also going to take a 5 point deduction for not making these pants come all the way up and over her belly button.

Oh dear heavenly lord. Ok, fine. Sometimes I'd rather people just put on the mom jeans. I didn't know Huggies came in plaid...

"Now as your mother, I propose that you wear the pant that acts as an underwire support system for your brazier. I think the more you can accentuate your hips and make them look like a denim pumpkin atop two sticks the better off you will be. Make sure that as the leg progresses down that the material becomes more slender and fitted toward your ankle. Then, and only then, can you claim to be in mom jeans." (that was supposed to be the picture talking--not me)

These are tough economic times. Even Jessica Simpson and Mischa Barton had to fire their stylists and start shopping at "That 70's Store". The pleats really add a little somethin' somethin' to Ms. Jessica, don't you think? (That's where she keeps her chapstick and banana Laffy Taffy. It's called a "roo pouch".)

That's right, sister...STRIKE A POSE! Not only do you have amazing taste in button-up jeans, but you picked the most fantastic floral, party mint colored top to go with. It's sheer perfection how the buttons on your shirt line up with the buttons on your pants. The only thing that would complete the outfit is a pair of shoulder pads, but Hannah Montana said, "nobody's perfect".

Yes Ma'am...welcome to Blah-dee Blah Blah Blah-dee Blah Blah Blog. The topic of the day is mom jeans. You're welcome.

I'm too sexy for my pants, too sexy for my pants, soooooo sexy yay-ahhhh

Token fuzzy kitten picture. (see...I show you horror pics and then fuzzy kittens...because I care)

They look even more delicious when paired with a dirty moccasin/modified cowboy loafer from Land's End.

 **********AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE***********


Has it really come down to this, moms? The old saying goes that "Those who don't learn from history are doomed to repeat it". Did we learn nothing from Mom Jeans? Here we go again, folks...

No comments:

Post a Comment