Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Kate Middleton...Better You Than Me. However, I'm There For You, Sister,--Even If It's Just On My 52" Samsung Flatscreen

There doesn't seem to be a TV channel that you can flip to these days without seeing the soon-to-be Royal Couple, William and Kate, flashing about. Friday, April 29th is the big day for this Royal Couple--and it's one of the only weddings I have actually decided to attend for the rest of my life--albeit from my living room, but I'm going (I think Buckingham Palace must have misplaced my address. I spoke with David and Victoria Beckham over a month ago and they had already received their invite so I'm sure mine will be here any day--probably got lost going "across the pond".).

I am not a big fan of weddings. As a matter of fact, the last wedding I attended was my last--forever and ever (with the exception of televised events such as the Royal Wedding). I know I'm fairly young to be making such a bold statement, but weddings for me are like oil and water--the two don't mix. I know some of you are just coming off of my Easter blog and how I went off about how I don't like Easter, either. You might be thinking, "Holy crap! Is there ANYTHING this girl does like?". The answer is YES. I told you in my blog about me being an International Blogging Superstar (ha ha) that I like Cheez Whiz--so there--OH! and a good pair of 4-6" heels).

Back to the matter at hand. Weddings are super painful for me. I was married back in 2000 and I refer to it as, "My Nightmare in Pink Chiffon". It was a disaster--and certainly not anything any girl ever dreams about. I'm now divorced (no, not because of the wedding--it was bad, but not THAT bad, people!), and believe you me--there are NO plans of any sort of  formal, organized weddings in this girl's future. I know for you snow globe favor loving, Jordan almond crunching, get-down-and-get-jiggy-with-it, open bar, reception-loving folk that you will not be able to wrap you head around this one--but it's just my point of view on wedding hub-bub these days. *YAWN*STRETCH* I know--I'm no fun. I'm a fun-sucker. However, it's truly in the world's best interest to save me the invite to all weddings. Ever see "Debbie Downer" on Saturday Night Live? *WAaah WAaaah*--that's me at weddings. Save a tree--don't invite me. ;)

I love that show on TLC, "Say Yes to the Dress". I don't know why. I like watching people buying wedding gowns. I could do without the wedding, but the dress is a must. I also love fashion, so the fact that I love to sit there and critique women as they try on wedding dresses should not come as a huge surprise. I'm dying to see what Kate Middleton's dress is going to look like. My best guess is something super couture and maybe a little "edgy"--something to lighten those tight, stuffy Royals up a bit. I also can't wait to see what she wears for shoes. Something tells me she's not going to sneak a pair of flip flops or Tevas under that gown.

It's not that I'm opposed to marriage--please don't get me wrong. I will likely get married again. There are two things I am looking forward to with that--First: I have a fantastic ring picked out. It's GORGEOUS. But I'm a little miffed at the fact that now, because of Kate Middleton, it will be considered "unoriginal". The same thing happened to me when I was pregnant with the twins and had Emma's name picked out and then Jennifer Aniston on "Friends" named her baby Emma and then the whole world had babies and named them Emma. Anywho--I digress. I have a brilliant RUBY ring flanked with diamonds picked out. I love bling--but if I have to wear it forever I want the shiny RED rock--not the clear rock. :) Kate Middleton has the blue one and I will have the red one. *SIGH* Oh well. Just so I can have it documented--I had mine picked out before William coughed hers up.

The other thing I have all figured out is the gown--and it's the only other thing I have to have figured out because I'm not having a wedding. See!...SIMPLE!!! No worries, no Bridezilla, no Jordan almonds or finger foods, no flower bouquets or venues to think about. It's going to be amazing. Just me and _______________ on a beach in Maui. My kids got upset when I told them that I wasn't ever going to have a wedding. Emma said, "But Mom!...I wanted to be your flower girl!". I told her that I wasn't going to have any flowers and that it was going to be on a beach with just me and ______________________, She replied, "Well can I at least come there and throw sand at you?" (this was after an episode of Say Yes to the Dress where she saw people throwing birdseed--it was precious).

I have also been recently inspired by Prince William. I've decided that my guy doesn't have to wear a wedding ring, either. Some people are really wigging out about the fact that the Prince has made a royal statement not to "bling" himself up, but I actually have lukewarm, relatively neutral feelings about it. The rings are a symbol--but that's all. I will wear one (when I'm not at work--I'm sure the ladies I perform cervical exams on will appreciate that) but hey...my guy isn't going to be a fire hydrant and I'm not a dog. I don't feel like I have to "mark my territory" on my guy with a metal circle. If he's gonna cheat, he's gonna cheat. I won't even go all "Lorena Bobbit" on him. I'll just walk away (and probably head to the nail salon for a pedicure and then out to Nordstrom Bistro with my gal pals for lunch while surrounding myself with ample retail therapy).

So yes, yes, yes...I will be pouring a spot of tea and nestling down with a plate full of crumpets this Friday. I saw a recent poll where people over in the U.K. were asked if they would like to trade places with Kate Middleton. The results? An overwhelming, "NO WAY". I feel the same way. She is gorgeous--but she can keep it. I love shopping sprees and pedicures, but there is no amount of money that can make up for having cameras shoved in your face at all times and being in that kind of spotlight. Not only could I not handle the pressure, but I'd probably end up having a seizure with all of those flashbulbs going off in my face. It wouldn't be pretty. That, and I can't pull off crazy hats with wonky feathers in them like she can. It's all you, Kate Middleton! ;)

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