Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Ahhhhh, Facebook...Without You I'd Probably Just Have a Normal, Boring Social Life

It is time for ten seconds of reflection on this "thing" we call "The Social Network" (thanks to the movie and a bunch of bored teenagers who made up Facebook to find hot chicks). Ahhhhh...the Facebook addiction. How did I get sucked into this social vortex, and why do I continue to be addicted and intrigued?...the world may never know.

I was one of the last of my "real" friends to join Facebook. My friend Elijah used to poke fun at me for not being on a social website--whether it be MySpace or Facebook or Twitter--this girl wasn't going to bite. Why was I so against it? Well, if you can't tell from the fact that I have a BLOG and love to write what is on my mind (usually unfiltered...ahhhh...so refreshing)--some people just don't appreciate all of the garbly guck that comes out of my mug--and when you have an entire slough of Facebook friends who don't really know you--you're bound to ruffle a few feathers along the way. Yes, I Whitney M. Madison, am a feather ruffler. Surprising?...probably not to those who know me.

So back to the matter at hand. Yes, I was one of the last people to join Facebook out of my peeps and since that time it has been a ton of fun--coupled with a crap ton of headache. I wish that Facebook would get clever and come up with something other than the "Friend Request". I wish they would have subcategories like, "You Have One Snoop Request", or "You Have One I've Got Way Too Much Time on My Hands and I Want to Cyber Stalk You Request", or "I Like Cyber Bullying and I'd Like You to Be My Next Target Request" or "I Hated You in Grade School But Now You Have a Cute Haircut and Drive a BMW So Now We Can Be Friends Request". The list could go on and on. I understand that the people at facebook have been clever enough to put "ignore" buttons next to "accept" buttons on friend requests, but it is just lacking a little something something to me. It needs a bit more "zing" to it. I think the people at Facebook need me to take over their Facebook Friends Marketing Department because I can come up with clever requests all day long that people would actually find far more entertaining and truthful than the boring old vanilla Friend Request. They don't realize how much they need me on their staff.

I decided to write this blog to characterize some of the Facebook mishaps I've had along the way. Albeit a fun website to be on, it can cause a whole heap of problems that wouldn't exist otherwise. When I first joined the site I got a friend request from a girl who absolutely was the most giant pain in my backside through every single grade in school. She was a hideous booger from the day she was born. I realize her parents probably don't think this, but it's my blog and my opinion is the only one that matters here so you're going to have to take my word for it--she was a giant pile of snot. So yes, we despised each other through grade school and lo and behold who should Friend Request me in my 30's?...you got it...the booger bully. She hadn't changed a bit, either. I don't think they can technically call it "bullying" in your 30's anymore--they just call it "psychotic", but said booger girl Friend Requested me and I promptly hit "ignore". She ended up getting wind of this and followed me around on mutual friends status' and would leave snide comments for me on there. It was super mature. This was when my friend, Stacy, introduced me to the beauty of "The Block List" on Facebook. I have since embraced it and pride myself on the fact that my block list is growing faster than my Friends list. Why? Because there are a ton of people out there who don't belong in my business and in my life--and they never did. I write this blog because I think that I am an overachiever Facebooker--I have a lot to say, and I like to pretend that people actually care about it half the time so I constantly post on Facebook. Same reason I blog. Although there are a fair number of people who may find me witty, there are also a fair number who don't. Witty = Friends List. Critics = Block List. Simple. But I still wish there were subcategories for the Friend Requests.

Some people may see my status posts where I delight in adding cyber chlorine to my Facebook Friends pool. I really do. I love cyber chlorine day. I know it sounds kind of retarded, but it makes me feel powerful. Don't get me wrong--I know I'm not powerful--it just makes me feel powerful--like Redbull doesn't really give you wings but it makes your heart race so fast you think it's going to explode in an uplifting kind of way.

I want to dedicate an entire paragraph (I'm feeling generous) to the Facebook Lurker. Those amazing rumor mongerers who love to surf your status so they have more fat to chew. I actually know that my Friends list still contains some of these--I just can't pinpoint them at the moment so the cyber chlorine is back in locked storage for the time being. Do you ever wonder what people are doing with your information that you post? Are you the topic of dinner conversation in Topeka, Kansas because Billy Bob who you knew in third grade Friend Requested you and you accepted? You haven't spoken to Billy Bob since he tied your shoelaces together because he thought you were cute in third grade and that was his super suave way of showing it, but now he sits there in overalls with a medium-rare T-bone steak and talking about what you said in your status. Awesome. I don't really appreciate Facebook lurkers. They are one of the key reasons I clean out my friends section as often as I do. I find it flattering at times to get Friend Requests. Then I realize that those people have nothing to say to me and sit on my Facebook for months and months--well...then it's time for you to go! **grabs Facebook Friends chlorine**

I have some friends who hoard Facebook Friends. Those are the ones who have like 928 friends. Really? I don't even think that I know 928 people. I certainly know that 928 people don't know me! You ever seen that show, "Hoarding--Buried Alive" on TLC? Some people's Friend pools remind me of that. I just don't know that I'd want that many people in my business--whether it be photos, clever status posts, not-so-clever status posts--No thank you.

There are also those who I have actually tried to get to know through Facebook for the sake of other people I know. This has proven good at times and other times has been a bit on the side of STUPID. This has recently backfired on me in a huge way. Not only that, but because these people and I have mutual friends in common I can't even add them to my Block List at the risk of offending our mutual friends and causing more chaos. This has led to more people following my comments on the site and making snide remarks on my true friends status'. These are the same folks who friend requested me and then decided they didn't like what I was writing so instead of "unfriending" me they just decided to post clever Facebook status' and remarks directed at me followed by following my posts on mutual friends status' and making snide comments. Aaaaaahhhhhh. Facebook, Facebook, Facebook...what ever did I do without you? And just like that--I feel like I'm back in kindergarten!!! Only where are the cookies and my nap time? Confused yet? Me too. That's why I'm writing this blog.

There are those, however, who I adore and who are the reason I keep coming back to my Facebook. Most of the people on my Friends list are just that--my friends. I love them dearly and they make me laugh on this stupid website every day. I love seeing pics of their families, their witty comments, I love when they comment on my status or photos--it truly is a vicious cycle. **SIGH** Oh well. Guess you gotta take the good with the bad...and keep a good pool boy on hand armed with cyber chlorine. ;)

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