Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Whitney's Adventure at the Chiropractor *SNAP*CRACKLE*POP*

I finally did it!!!! After years of torturing my body with ski racing, soccer, trail running, weight lifting, being a nurse, and cranking out four children I WENT TO THE CHIROPRACTOR!!! I've heard many jokes about chiropractors. One of my friends refers to them a "CrackerPractors". Although I'm seriously skeptical that there is anything in the world that can make my back feel better these days (besides a gorgeous pair of 4 inch stilettos) I decided to finally break down and seek out one of these back-cracking experts.

I pretty much reached the point of no return with my back on my most recent trip to Alaska. Because I'm a nurse and my job often involves heavy lifting (I did mention I have a fair number of patients over 400 lbs, right?--drop the Oreos and the Ho Ho's people--you're killing me!!!) this problem has gotten worse over the past two years. I get horrible back spasms between my shoulder blades and it literally hurts to breathe when they act up. While I was up in Alaska I slept on a pillowtop mattress for 8 nights and by the end of the trip I could barely get out of bed at all in the morning anymore. I felt like I was 900 years old. Tristan tried to do the old "cross your arms over your chest and I'll stand behind you, lift you up, and crack your back" trick and I'm pretty sure almost everyone in the town of Wasilla heard me scream as he gave me my discounted version of backwoods chiropractics. Not my most brilliant idea...

So YES! Today I had my second adjustment. The receptionist asked me if I would like to go lie down on the "roller beds" while I was waiting for my turn on the cracking table (I don't know what they really call them--"cracking table" is probably not it). Roller bed? What's a roller bed? Well, she took me back to this room and there were two beds in there and she had me lie down on one of them and then turned it on and HOLY FREAKIN' BLISS, BATMAN!!! It was a bed that gently rolled up and down my spine--all the way up to my neck and all the way down my backside to my butt. I was relaxed. I had my eyes closed. I could feel myself drifting off to sleep...Aaaaahhhh.....until this other patient came into the roller bed room...and laid down on the other roller bed next to me...and then I sat there thinking, "What just happened?"...and who is this guy lying in the bed next to me?". I don't know how I feel about the group roller bed idea--but the bed itself felt amazing--until Jim Bob joined in and rained on my roller bed semi-private blissful back massaging parade. It felt really weird after that to lie there as parts of my body are bobbing up and down because of the rollers on my back and having to share that with a man I don't know. I only like people I know watching me look like I'm having modified seizures. Maybe it's just me...

Then it was my turn to get cracked. My chiropractor asked me if I'd been lifting weights all week because my back was completely "locked up". I wanted to say, "No, but I have grabbed a fair number of legs during hundreds of uterine contractions and held and pushed and grabbed patients to pull them forward as I'm grabbing their legs to help them shoot out babies...does that count?".

For those of you who are under the impression that going to the chiropractor means lying face down on a table and having some one put pressure on your spine until it cracks you are only halfway right. It's a good thing my chiropractor is a fairly good looking guy because getting an "adjustment" is much more than simple back cracking. It's up close and personal time!!! I found this out when my doctor had me lie flat on my back facing up and he grabbed my leg, put it over my other leg, then brought my legs up, grabbed me around my shoulders, and by lying the entire weight of his body down on top of me he reefed down until I sounded like someone sat on a bag of potato chips. *SNAP*CRACKLE*POP!!! "Why hello, Doctor! Very nice to meet you! I had no idea we'd be so close so quickly! What?'re not going to buy me dinner first? By the way--I will be able to move again after what you just did to me, right?".

Then it was time to adjust my neck. It just so happens that when they crack the bones in your neck that those bones are in such close proximity to your ears that you feel like you might finally land one of those little blue handicap signs to hang from your car's review mirror because rumor has it that broken necks are no bueno and after what you just heard--you're pretty sure you should have a broken neck.

Then it was time for the hips and the pelvis. As he twisted me WWF style into a braided pretzel he again applied his body weight on top of me. Again, *POP*POP*POP*!!!! So loud that I'm pretty sure homeboy on the other roller bed heard every single bone in my body crack today. And then I was finished...and I could breathe easy again. And my back actually felt pretty darn good. So I went off to yoga class...

Long story short--my chiropractic adventure has begun. Whether or not all of the weekly adjustments will fix my back--I don't know yet. However, I feel pretty good right now. Not good enough to sleep on a pillowtop mattress in Wasilla, Alaska, but good enough. ;)

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