Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Dorf Does Yoga---And She Likes It!!!!

That's right, folks...I SURVIVED MY FIRST DAY OF YOGA CLASS!!!! Most people are probably going to, "Yo Whit, big whoop--any incense-burning, Gumby-esque, bendable hippy can do that." Only, I don't happen to be an incense-burning, Gumby-esque, bendable hippy (but my instructor was). I happen to be a very stressed out, tense, bones-locked-up-tight (according to my chiropractor) fashionista type of gal. Mind you, I exercise on a daily basis, but this whole yoga thing was a whole new ball of wax to me. Don't get me wrong...I've done Wii yoga, oh yes I have. I might have been drinking chardonnay while doing Wii yoga, but I did it. It got progressively funnier to see my center of balance with the more sips of wine I had. ;) However, to claim I'm a yoga pro because of the Wii would be like someone going on Pro Bowling because they got the sparkly EXPERT ball in Wii bowling. I'm just sayin'...

"Hi, my name is Whitney Madison, and I'm a fashion disaster..." That's what I felt like when I walked into my yoga class and realized that I was the only one not wearing a cute spandex outfit. I did have a good pedicure for exposing my bare feet, but for once that was the only part of me I wanted people to look at. "Keep your eyes off of my clothes, people--I didn't get the, "How to look cool in yoga class" memo!!!" Long story short--not only did I not feel secure because it was my first day and I walked in with my mat into a humid/heated room full of meditating seasoned yogis, but I also looked like a dork in my loose fitting tee and some yoga pants. You might be saying, "But I thought yoga pants were for yoga??!!!" did I...until I was the only kid wearing the old school ones. Nope--lycra was the order of the day. Yoga pants are apparently only for soccer moms at the grocery store these days. They just call them yoga pants because "PJs" doesn't sound quite as fashionable. Anyway, I should've been arrested by the Boulder police department for my attire--not to mention the fact that I forgot to wear Patchouli so I could be one of the cool kids (because I don't own it).

Then came the bending, and the stretching, and the reaching, and the putting my face down to the earth, and opening my heart up to the sky, and breathing like I was a crank caller on a telephone trying to do my best impression of Darth Vader. Everyone else looked so awesome. I looked like Mary Katherine Gallagher, Superstar. I didn't make the cut for the "in crowd" today, that's for sure. Unbalanced?...CHECK. Muscles shaking uncontrollably?...CHECK. Biggest dork in yoga class?...CHECK.

So, yes, I ran my needle past ridiculous on my dork meter today, but I am going back for more. Why? Because my stress level is through the roof and I need to learn how to say, "Goosfraba" more often. I think I was the only cardiac nurse who literally walked around on my unit in and out of ventricular tachycardia (a deadly heart rhythm) for over 6 months. True story. I'm lucky I didn't go into cardiac arrest (which doesn't look good when you're supposed to be saving people--not impersonating them). Not to worry though--a few yoga classes under my belt and a cardiac laser ablation later and I'm going to be saying, "Goosfraba" til the cows come home. I may look like an uncoordinated, hyperactive school girl doing it, but it will happen. This being said, I will have you know that although I may look like Mary Katherine I have NEVER crossed both my arms in an X-pattern over my chest, placed my hands in my armpits, and then pulled them out rapidly to smell them. I don't care what those people in my yoga class said I did...IT WASN'T ME. ;)

Oh, and PS--I bought cool kid yoga clothes on my way home. ;)

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